Old Wounds And Strong Walls
by MiladyGirl
Summary: Ten years prior, during a very turbulent time of her life, Alex Blake had a reckless affair with a female senior year student. Now she joins the BAU and finds that her former lover is to be her new colleague. Old wounds are ripped open, and neither of them knows if these wounds can heal again.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**

Sooo, this first post is the prologue, and I'm actually terrified of writing this fic because it seems like it's going to be a very emotionally difficult one and I'll be experimenting a little with timelines. But, sometimes you have to try on what scares you, right? While this prologue is in first person perspective, the rest will be in third person perspective.

Some things to keep in mind. In my universe, Blake never had a child. I simply can't work it into a plausible timeline. When, between ambitiously working her up to a career-place with the FBI where she'd be put in charge of a high profile case like the Amerithrax, getting a fine education and a teaching job at Georgetown, and writing books, would she have had the time to be pregnant, and take care of a lethally sick child? Maybe if she had been depicted as somewhere in her late 50's in the show I could have bought that plotline, but no. Not in my world. Also, I just can't see her as a mother. Anyway. Apart from that little detail, I'm going to try to keep it as canon as I can while still making my own story. And put in my own canons as well. I did however change the timeline a little bit - I think it's said on the show that the Amerithrax case took place in -01 or so, but in this fic it's moved to -04.

I guess what's left to say is _please be kind, and be patient_. This one is hard to write and I've barely gotten started. :)

* * *

 _DC, August 2004_

I'm not entirely sure what day it is. They seem to all meld together into an endless parade of events, and my task - one that is getting increasingly difficult to master - is to navigate through this fog without letting anyone know there even is a fog. My routine is rigid simply because if I lose track of what I'm doing and where I'm going next, I just… stop. Like a children's toy that's running low on batteries, I need to be nudged to keep on moving, and the only one there to nudge me is me. I struggle so hard to keep up appearances, but my entire life is falling apart like a house of cards, and if I don't get a miracle soon, it will come crashing down. Truth be told, it would almost be a blessing; at least then I could go home, lock the doors, close the curtains, and no longer have to worry about keeping up this tough façade. I am so, so tired. It takes everything I have to get out of bed in the morning, get dressed and go to work.

The media has mostly lost interest in me by now; it's been six months since the Amerithrax case blew up in my face, and like all locusts they move on when there is nothing more to devour. It wasn't enough that my career was ruined, they had to pry open my private life as well. For a few months it was so bad people I didn't even know came up to me and spat on me, called me names, and told me it was 'people like me' who destroyed America.

'People like me'. People who work long hours protecting the public from domestic terrorism, to catch the perpetrators and bring them to justice. People who are pushed to their limits and beyond to deliver a result, and sometimes have no choice but to present poor evidence or apprehend a suspect too soon, simply because the public - not to mention the superiors - expect the work to be done sooner than it _can_ be done.

I'm only thirty-eight but I feel like I'm a hundred, and I wonder - but in a distant, almost impersonal way, as if this whole ordeal concerns a character in a TV show rather than myself - if this will be the day that I finally break. If it is, if I do break, I wonder if James will come home from his assignment with Doctors Without Borders. I wonder if he'd come home to hold me.

I doubt it.

* * *

I head for my first lecture after doping myself up with caffeine pills, washed down with lots of black coffee. I try everything, within legal limits, that keeps me going, but I had to draw the line at Red Bull. No doubt it would have kept me going, but the smell was just too awful. Like paint thinner. The ulcer that my treacherous body decided to develop - because clearly I needed to be punished for being stressed - does not take lightly on my near-constant coffee intake, but what can you do? You have to get the job done.

As I enter the classroom I glance at the students, making a quick profile of each of them, and my eyes fall upon a slim blonde. She's definitely one of those sports girls, no doubt a corn-fed scholarship girl from some hick town, desperate to escape. I know how prejudiced it sounds, but I was once one of them. Well. Sort of. Kansas City may not exactly be a hick town, but it certainly isn't Washington DC either.

As if she can feel my gaze lingering on her for a bit too long, she raises her head, looking straight into my eyes with her crystal clear blue, and then she smiles.

And I get my miracle.


	2. Chapter 2

_D.C, August 2014_

 _Stuck in traffic. Isn't that great!_

Alex Blake took a deep breath to keep her calm. The last thing she wanted was to be late for her first day at her new job, especially since she would be working under Erin Strauss again. The last time they had worked together, things had been… tense, to put it mildly.

 _Maybe this career move wasn't such a good idea after all._

But that was bullshit and she knew it. The fiasco with the Amerithrax case had left her career with the FBI dangerously close to complete ruin, and she knew that her career goal - to one day be Department Chief at Quantico - was forever beyond her reach. Working with the BAU was a greater success than she could have hoped for during those years of hell, and there was no way she would have allowed this chance to pass her by. Even if it did come with the boss that had once thrown her to the wolves to save her own skin.

At least she wouldn't be working side by side with her.

Alex sighed and took a sip of her coffee, one immediately accompanied by the slow eruption of a heartburn. Stress was not a friend of hers, yet it always seemed to tag along wherever she went and whatever she did. She knew she had to be careful and look after herself; she did not want to find herself back in the same abyss she had spent years in, with the carousel of antidepressants, tranquilizers, sleeping pills. A drug for every occasion, she thought with a bitter hint of amusement. With the use of prescription drugs came the fear of becoming dependant on them. She wasn't too proud to accept the help she needed, particularly since it _did_ make her better, but she had a constant fear of losing control over it and no longer know for sure if she needed it for a medical purpose - or to get a fix. Alex honestly didn't think she deserved the bad cards that life had decided to deal her, but she was going to play the hand she was given. There _had_ been a moment when she was ready to quit playing, but that was a long time ago.

 _Finally!_

Traffic started moving again and she stopped thinking about the past - it was depressing enough without her poking around in it - and focused on what lay ahead.

* * *

She consulted her wrist watch as she stepped out of the elevator, and noted to her relief that she was right on time. Normally she preferred to be early, but given the circumstances she had to be content with not running late. That would have been mortifying.

She looked around and spotted Aaron Hotchner, the Unit Chief of the BAU, and steeled herself mentally as he approached her.

 _Tough but fair_ , she told herself. _That's what everyone says about him._

"Agent Blake," he said and shook her hand. "Welcome, it's good to have you aboard."

"It's good to be here," she replied and prayed they would get on with the work as soon as possible and not linger too long on uncomfortable social interactions. She had never been a very outgoing person, but her past certainly hadn't helped. She was suspicious of people around her, always careful to spot the dagger before it was firmly placed in her back. You could argue that it wasn't a healthy mindset, but Alex would argue right back that neither was naivety.

"I'll introduce you to the rest of the team. Well, parts of it. Derek Morgan and our tech analyst Penelope Garcia have the week off to see a friend in England," Hotch continued and lead the way as he spoke.

Alex followed him into the briefing room, where three more people were gathered; two men and one woman, who was turned away from the door speaking on the phone. Alex recognised Spencer Reid right away, the young genius had guest lectured in her forensic linguistics class a couple of times, and she felt at ease with him. That was a good thing; she thought she could work well with him.

"I take it you've already met Doctor Reid," Hotch said. Alex nodded and offered the young man a quick smile without shaking his hand, as she was well aware that he was uncomfortable with it.

"This is David Rossi," Hotch continued and Alex knew his name well, he was something of a legend in profiling. But that wasn't what confused her, but the fact that he looked very familiar. As he shook her hand he noticed her confusion and chuckled a little.

"I've guest lectured at Georgetown many times. I've seen you before too, Doctor Blake."

"Ah," she said. "That's why you look so familiar. And don't bother with the title, the only time I use it is to intimidate my students."

"Rule through fear," he said in a mock serious voice and nodded. Alex smiled her first genuine, relaxed smile that day.

"Something like that," she agreed.

At this point the only other woman in the room finished her phone call. She had a friendly, open smile on her face as she turned around to greet her new colleague, but when their eyes met, the smile died a quick death.

Alex felt as if someone had knocked the wind out of her and her initial urge was to turn and run away, but she suppressed it almost violently. She forced a smile onto her face, but she felt completely numb, almost frozen.

"This is Jennifer Jareau," Hotch said. "This is our new team member, Alex Blake."

The two women stared at each other, neither saying a word or making a move to shake hands. Hotch frowned at the thickening atmosphere in the room.

"Have the two of you met before?"

"No," Alex clipped, just as JJ said;

"Yes."

"We have? I don't recall." She felt her chest tightening at this blatant lie; in fact, she could barely breathe. The younger woman gave her an ambiguous glare.

"I took one of your classes back at Georgetown ten years ago."

"Oh. Well, I have a lot of students each year, I can't keep track of all of them," Alex replied in a cool, almost chilly voice, and JJ's jaws clenched at this harsh brush-off.

 _Really? How many of your students do you sleep with, then?_ JJ thought, but she wouldn't dream of saying anything like that in company, so she merely nodded.

"I see, of course," she said, keeping her voice almost as cool as her former lover's, and then turned to Hotch. "Shall we start the briefing?"

Hotch wasn't sure what had gone down between the two female agents, but he didn't have to be a profiler to see that there was bad blood somewhere in their past. He would have to keep a close eye on them and see if they really could work together. This team was close-knit and could not afford personal drama. Though Alex Blake had seemed like a good pick for the position, she would have to go if she disrupted the team spirit, but he hoped that whatever differences they had, they would be able to work them out on their own. He turned to JJ and said;

"Go ahead."

"Seattle. Three young women have disappeared from parking lots of different fast food restaurants in the past year. They were all Caucasian, between 20 and 24, low-risk lifestyles…"

"Have any of the bodies been found?" Alex interrupted, eager to show her ambition. Obviously, as she received disapproving glances, that was not how you rolled with this team. She scolded herself for not checking the waters before she dove right in, but held the stare in defiance while waiting for a reply. After a brief, uncomfortable silence, JJ gave it to her.

"No, which is why this is classified as a serial abduction rather than murder."

"We really don't have any clues, except for the locations where they have been taken from," Hotch said. "The fact that no bodies have been found may indicate that they're still alive and held captive. Wheels up in thirty," he finished, and the team cleared the room to get their go-bags and make last-minute trips to the bathroom. JJ walked past Alex without so much as a glance at her. The long blonde hair bounced against her shoulders as she walked, and Alex recalled - with painful clarity - how soft it had been to the touch. How it had felt to twirl a coil of it between her fingers as they lay in bed, giggly with infatuation and pleasantly exhausted from hours of lovemaking.

She rubbed her face with both hands and exhaled through gritted teeth.

 _How the hell is this going to work out? I had absolutely no idea Jennie would be here. I haven't spoken to her since that night in April 2005. I never thought I would ever see her again. And judging from her reaction, neither had she._

The heartburn was getting worse and she searched her purse for the Rolaids. A drug for every occasion. Except for the one she really needed; one against the painful memories of a good thing going bad.

* * *

"How are you with flying? Personally, I hate it," Rossi said as he claimed the seat next to hers once they were onboard the jet.

"Doesn't bother me at all," she replied, shifting her glance towards JJ, involuntarily revealing what _was_ bothering her. Rossi nodded and lowered his voice.

"So what is the deal with you and JJ?"

"'scuse me?"

Pretending not to hear what was said in order to buy time to think of an answer, that was probably the oldest trick in the book, and there was no chance an experienced profiler like David Rossi was going to fall for it, but Alex was too caught off guard to think of any other evasive manoeuvre. He shrugged.

"Okay, I get it, you don't want to talk about it. It's pretty obvious."

"It's water under the bridge," Alex said.

"Is it?"

Luckily she didn't have to reply, as Hotch sat down on the opposite seat and called their attention.

"When we land, I want JJ, Blake and Dave to go and check the abduction sites, Reid, you're with me and setting up things at the station."

Rossi raised his eyebrows. It was unusual for Hotch to let the new agent out of his sight right away. However, he realised what his old friend was doing - sending Dave to watch the two women's interactions at the scene and evaluate their ability to cooperate. Blake's behaviour would be more natural than it would be if the boss himself was around, and probably JJ's as well.

He noticed that they both scowled at the command, but neither had any verbal objection to offer. _Good call_ , he thought. Going against Hotch was never a good idea. He hoped for the team's sake that they would be able to keep whatever grudge they had under wraps, or even better, sort it out once and for all. But he knew JJ's stubbornness, and he had a feeling Blake was even worse in that aspect.

* * *

"According to witnesses, Sarah Smith bought a milkshake and walked out to the parking lot. Her car was parked here…" Rossi made a gesture with his arm. "…but nobody saw her actually getting into the car. Somewhere between the door and her car, she just vanished."

"What time of day was it?" Alex asked.

"Uh, one thirty pm," JJ said, consulting the information on her tablet. She avoided looking directly at her new colleague, but Alex didn't notice. She was too absorbed by the scene, trying to play the possible scenario like a movie in her head.

"So it's daylight and probably quite a few people around, which makes a 'snatch and drive' highly unlikely."

"Right. Also, the car was parked quite some distance from the entrance, which indicates that there were several cars and probably several people out here."

"Yeah, yet nobody saw anything," Alex said and thrust her hands into her pockets. JJ had to smile a little; she remembered this gesture well. Frustrated Alex trying to quell her own body language. As an interesting contrast to her low-key appearance, she could sometimes have very big and wavy gestures, and she was aware of it and tried to suppress it. But sometimes it leaked through.

"The surveillance cameras only reach till about here," JJ said and placed herself one step outside the door. "But there is nothing that indicates she would head a different direction."

"You're Sarah. Walk this way," Alex said from her place where the victim's car had been parked. "What do you see?"

 _I see betrayal_ , JJ thought, but said; "I see my car. Probably other cars parked close by. People walking across the parking lot… and the playground."

Alex turned around to have a look and JJ walked up to her, but careful not to stand too close.

"The playground," Alex mumbled. "It's right in the line of sight."

"Do you think she saw somebody hurt a child and went to interfere?"

Alex slowly shook her head, rather to show that she wasn't sure than saying no.

"Could we be dealing with a female unsub?" JJ said.

"Maybe. Without bodies or reliable witnesses it's hard to tell."

"Yeah."

JJ opened her mouth to say something else, but changed her mind and turned away from the woman she had once believed to be the love of her life.

Rossi, who was watching from a distance, was relieved to see that at least they could interact as professionals. He was curious about what had set this off though; in his experience, it was almost impossible for JJ to hold a grudge. She could keep _secrets_ , she had certainly proven that in the past, but _grudges_? That just wasn't very much like her. Whatever Alex Blake had done, it must have been hurtful. Then he noticed the sad, longing look on Blake's face as she glanced at JJ. That didn't seem consistent with a grudge, but rather with...

 _No way_ , he thought. _Could they have been… lovers?_

* * *

 **A/N**

Ugh, this was clunky. I apologise, but I think it will find some rhythm in next chapter. I'll try and mix the past and the present in different chapters to get the whole story together, and I hope it won't get too confusing. I've never really written anything that way before, because I always chicken out when things get hard.

So… first note still applies, be kind. ;)


	3. Chapter 3

_D.C, September 2004_

Alex likes to take late walks around the neighbourhood, a leftover habit from the years when she and James first moved in together and James's Golden retriever Meryl was still alive. While it was James's dog, it was always Alex who took Merry for the late walkies. Sometimes James came along, but for most part, it was just Alex and Merry. She had considered it a perfect opportunity to clear her head before bedtime, and she had continued long after Merry had moved on to dog heaven. She quit during the Amerithrax and the aftermath, though, she didn't want to be approached by anyone, be it the press or just curious neighbours.

But now, since Jennifer Jareau came into her life, Alex once again enjoys these evening walks. It gives her some time to herself to daydream about the young blonde, her smile, the light, flowery perfume she wears… Alex is fully aware that she has a crush on her student, and as much as it embarrasses her, the humoristic part of it isn't lost on her. Usually students do the crushing. In her first year of teaching she had a student - but that was a boy - sending her love poems so well-written they could have been classics. She had encouraged his writing, but not his affections, and he is a published poet now. Married as well, thank God, but he _had_ dedicated his first poetry collection to her. It was a sweet gesture, not necessary, but sweet.

Students having a crush on their teacher, that she can handle. But when it's reversed, when the teacher has a crush on her student? How do you handle that? Not at all, of course, it doesn't matter that Jennifer is legal, a teacher does not violate the boundaries. They are supposed to know better. And she does, she knows better than to act on it, but if this innocent crush on the angelic Pennsylvanian girl gives Alex some of her will to live back, it can't be all bad, can it?

She's roused from her deep thoughts and realises that she's gone way further than she planned to. She lives in a quiet upper middle class neighbourhood, but she's way beyond that now; in fact, she's almost halfway to campus. And the rowdy Friday night parties are in full swing, which makes her smile a little. She was never the party animal herself, but she conveniently forgets that as she recalls her own "rowdy party years".

Her wrist watch - she refuses to be one of those who checks the time on their cell phones, not Alex Blake, never in life - tells her it's almost eleven o'clock. If she heads back now she has time for one glass of wine, or even a scotch, before it's time to go to bed. And she thinks she won't bother with the Ambien tonight.

But just as she's about to turn around, she can hear something that spells trouble.

"Hey girl, you pretty, come with us, we know another party not far away…"

Alex turns and walks in the direction of the voice, to find a bunch of young testosterone-high guys circling one very drunk girl who tries to walk by them and not pay them any attention, but they're all around her.

"Hey, kids, knock it off and go home," Alex calls out and walks a bit faster.

"Yeah?" one of them says as he strolls up to her. He looks like a perfectly nice college guy, the kind you'd say ' _he could never do anything like that'_ about. "And who's gonna make us? You, lady?"

Alex sighs theatrically, the way she does when showing off in the classroom (teaching is a lot like acting, and not only does she like it, she also knows she's good at it), as she reaches for her badge.

"Can you read, kid?" she says in a low, very amiable voice as she holds up the badge in front of him. "'cause if you can't, I'll save you the effort. It says FBI."

"Shit," he hisses and calls over his shoulder to his friends; "Come on! Bitch ain't worth it anyway!"

Alex waits until she's sure they've left before walking up to the girl, who's leaning on a streetlight for support.

"You okay? Where do you live?"

The girl turns around and Alex registers two things at once; it's Jennifer Jareau, and she's going to throw up. Alex barely has time to jump out of the splatter zone - some of the girl's alcohol-soaked stomach content stains the leg of her jeans, but she's not easily repulsed. She can't be, not in her line of profession. Either line of profession, actually.

Jennifer holds onto the streetlight and looks as if she's trying to figure out where the hell she is and how she got there.

"Feeling better now?" Alex asks softly and reaches into her pocket and finds a Kleenex, crumpled but fresh, that she offers her student.

"Doctor Blake?" Jennifer says and immediately begins to blush so fiercely Alex fears she might have an aneurysm on the spot. "Oh my God. Don't look at me."

"It's a bit too late for modesty now, Miss Jareau," Alex says in a dry teacher's voice. Getting into character will help her sort this out, she decides. "Wipe your mouth and then I'll get you back home. Do you live on campus?"

"No," JJ says, hiccups and looks down at what must have been a clean (well, depending on how you used the word) top when she went out, that's now stained with beverages, ketchup and vomit. She makes a feeble attempt at wiping it off, but she wouldn't know where to start. She's obviously had a wild evening.

"So where do you live?" Alex urges her on. It's September and a warm night, but the girl isn't wearing a jacket and she's absolutely wasted. She needs to get inside.

"Two blocks that way," she eventually says and points in opposite direction. Alex breathes a sigh of relief; at least it's not far.

"Do you have a roommate?" Alex asks as she puts one arm around the blonde's shoulders to keep her walking somewhat straight. It's the first time they touch, but it does nothing for Alex; unlike those guys she sent running, she doesn't have it in her to take advantage of anyone in a weak position. Perhaps because she knows what it's like to be helpless and at the mercy of whatever comes at her. If anything, she's overwhelmed by a wish to protect and defend this young woman any way she can.

"Yeah."

"And is she home? I don't want to drop you off if there is no one around to keep an eye on you," Alex says and shakes JJ gently. "Hello, Miss Jareau, recite to me the different stages of a language."

It sounds ridiculous, but it's the only thing she can think about to make the younger woman focus.

"Pidgin," JJ says, hiccups and tries to get herself together. "Yeah, she's at home. Oh God, I'm so embarrassed. I'm so drunk. God, I'm sorry."

"I can keep a secret," Alex assures her. "Pidgin is correct. Next?"

Somehow they make it all the way to the apartment that JJ shares with her roommate, but in spite of the blonde's reassurances that she'll be okay on her own, Alex insists on seeing her to the door.

A chubby redhead is just about to open the door when JJ stumbles inside. The redhead catches her and Alex feels a pang of jealousy at the sight, but pushes it aside.

"Oh thank God, I was just about to go and look for you. Are you okay?"

"Yeah," JJ replies. "I am, thanks to her," she says and gives Alex a shy but grateful smile. "Thank you, Doctor Blake. And I'm sorry," she adds before ducking back into the apartment, the lingering intoxication no longer enough to filter the horrible embarrassment she feels.

"I'm her linguistics professor," Alex clarifies. "She had a bit of a problem fending off some guys, and I happened to stumble upon them, so…" she shrugs. "I followed her home."

"So you're the famous Doctor Blake," the redhead says, grinning broadly, and for a moment Alex thinks she refers to the fame she got during Amerithrax, but University students usually aren't too interested in what happens on the news. Nevertheless, she begins to feel a bit embarrassed herself. She holds out her hand, because it seems necessary, and the younger girl shakes it briefly.

"Alex Blake."

"Agatha Christie," the girl replies. Alex's eyes widen.

"Seriously?"

"Unfortunately, yes."

They can hear JJ emptying whatever is left in her stomach into the toilet, and Agatha rolls her eyes, but she's smiling.

"Someone's gonna have a headache tomorrow," she says. "Thanks for helping her get home safe. I hope it won't give you a bad impression about her; she's never done that before. And I know she thinks very highly of you, she talks about you all the time."

"Tell her we're fine," Alex says. "Nothing to be embarrassed about. Now I'd better get back home. Do me a favour, check on her and make sure she stays hydrated, okay?"

"Will do," Agatha says and as Alex begins to descend the stairs she realises that she hasn't felt this good, this _strong_ , in almost a year.

 _She talks about me? All the time?_

Once back on the street Alex has to resist an urge to hug herself and make a little happy dance, but she forces her sophisticated persona forward and sweeps it around her like an invisible coat.

Nobody bothers her as she walks home.

* * *

Alex is in the process of making lunch the next day when the door bell rings.

"Just a minute!" she calls out, wipes her hands on the kitchen towel and walks towards the door. Once more she marvels over how much better she feels; she is eating again, for one thing. Alex truly appreciates food and drink, views it as art (yes, even the greasy fast-food restaurant menus are art in her eyes, though admittedly poor and unenthusiastic art), and enjoys it immensely, but lately she hasn't been very interested. Not in cooking, which is unusual in itself, and not in eating, which is highly uncharacteristic for her. James wouldn't believe it if he knew, but thankfully, the only contact they have is over a wavering Internet connection and his mind is occupied which more important things than whether or not his wife eats balanced meals.

Alex opens the door for a huge bouquet of white roses, and, behind them, the sheepish face of a certain Jennifer Jareau.

"Hi," the young blonde says awkwardly. "Please don't think I'm a creep and a stalker or anything for showing up at your home like this, but I, um…"

She falls silent, and the dark-haired teacher and her blonde student look at each other across a sea of white flowers for what feels like an eternity. There's a light drizzle outside, not flat out rain, but the very air seems saturated with it.

"Come inside," Alex eventually offers and opens the door fully to let her student inside, something she never would do had it been any other student.

"I just wanted to apologise again for everything last night, and thank you for helping me. It was… well, thank you. These are for you."

Alex can't remember the last time somebody got her flowers unless it was for her birthday, and she's very moved by the gesture. Last night she got a chance to feel like a knight in shining armour, and now she feels like a princess.

"Aww, you really didn't need to," Alex says as she accepts the flowers. White roses means innocence. Interesting choice. She wonders if it's deliberate.

"Yes, I did."

Alex has to look away from the intensity in those big blue eyes. She's afraid she's reading much more into them than there is.

"So how are you feeling today, huh?" she asks, almost smugly.

"Like somebody folded me over and stomped on me," JJ replies and it strikes Alex as funny enough to laugh at. It feels wonderful. She hasn't laughed in weeks.

"Glad you found that amusing," JJ says, but she smiles.

"Well, it _is_ self-inflicted, so you won't get any pity from me," Alex replies, but she too is smiling. "I'm just glad you made it home in one piece."

"So am I. Thanks again. Well, I should go, Agatha is waiting for me outside in the car."

Alex feels weirdly disappointed at learning this information, but she keeps a straight face.

"Is her name really Agatha Christie?" she asks, and JJ grins.

"Yeah. Her parents had a thing for British murder mysteries."

"Really? No way!" Alex says in a voice that's dripping with sarcasm, and it's JJ's turn to laugh. Alex loves that laughter.

"Again, I'm really sorry I caused you trouble last night, Doctor Blake."

"Alex."

"Excuse me?"

"Call me Alex. A student brave enough to throw up on me should be brave enough to call me by my first name."

"I didn't… please tell me I didn't…" JJ is almost as pale as the flowers, then the fierce red colour creeps into her skin like a wave of lava. "Oh God. You know what, I'll pay for the dry-cleaning."

 _Out of whatever extra you make from waitress jobs and the likes, just to get by? I don't think so._

"Don't worry about it, it's just an old pair of jeans and I threw them in the laundry when I got home. We're good, Jennifer, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I love the roses, by the way. It was really sweet of you."

JJ smiles nervously and walks towards the door, fidgeting as if there is something else she wants to say or do.

"Yeah, I'm really, really sorry."

"You've said that already, several times. It's okay," Alex says.

"I have one more thing to apologise for," JJ says, looking down at her hands.

"Oh? What's that?"

"This," she says before closing the distance between them and pressing a soft, sweet kiss right onto Alex's lips. Alex feels like she's being struck by lightning; she cannot move. JJ backs away and sneaks out the door before Alex finds her bearings. She stands like that for a long, long time, staring at the closed door, until the smoke detector goes off to inform her that her lunch is ruined.

* * *

 **A/N**

I hope this way of switching between current time and their past is making sense, or, well, at least that it doesn't get _too_ confusing to read. :)


	4. Chapter 4

_Seattle, August, 2014_

Rossi, Blake and JJ had just gone back to the car to go to the second abduction site, when Rossi's cell phone rang.

"Hey Hotch. Where?"

He was quiet and listened for a while.

"Okay."

He hung up and turned to the two female agents.

"A body has been found. Hotch and Reid are on their way to the dump site and they want me to meet up with them there. So you'll have to check the two other abduction sites on your own. Okay?"

He sensed the negativity falling upon them, but to say nothing is the same as agreement, so he just left it at that, started the car and turned out on the road. JJ sat in the backseat and stared out the window with her arms folded across her chest - she could just as well have worn a neon sign saying 'do not disturb'. Blake was picking at her earring while staring straight ahead, but she didn't look hostile. Only tired. More than a little bit uncomfortable. And deep in thought.

They caught up with the other agents at a rest stop about a mile further down the road. Rossi parked and got out of the car, leaving the keys in the ignition. JJ was just getting out of the backseat to take over, as Rossi jumped into the backseat of the other SUV with Hotch at the wheel.

"How are they doing?" he asked. Rossi wiggled his hand in a 'so and so' gesture.

"Not too bad. They're definitely not comfortable, but they stay professional."

"They'd better. We don't have time for personal issues right now. Okay, the body is that of Jamie Rich, age 23. She was the second to be abducted."

Rossi nodded and put on his seat belt.

"Let's go."

* * *

Alex unbuckled her seatbelt and got out of the car.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"I think I'm going to drive, why?" JJ said, raising her eyebrows.

"Oh no you don't, I remember your driving skills. Hand over the keys, I'll drive."

"Get back in the car, Alex. You remember the person I was ten years ago, but I am not her anymore," JJ snapped. Alex's lips twitched as she tilted her head to the side.

"Really? What's changed, apart from you being with the FBI?"

"I'm a mother now, for example" JJ replied and watched - not without some mean-spirited glee - how Alex tumbled right off her high horses, instantly defeated.

"Oh…" she mumbled and searched her vast mental library for something more to say, found nothing suitable, and just made a vague gesture in JJ's general direction before climbing back into the passenger's seat. They were quiet for several minutes until Alex found the silence to be too suffocating and made an attempt to pick up the thread.

"How many children do you have?"

"One. A boy. His name is Henry."

JJ didn't take her eyes off the road, although traffic was nearly inexistent. Alex wanted to reach out her hand and touch her, but she _had_ been the one to withdraw those years ago, and she didn't know how to bridge these years of hurt silence.

"How old is he?"

"Almost six. Look, Alex, I really don't want to talk about him with you. He belongs in my future, and you belong in my past. I thought you would stay in my past." JJ exhaled loudly. "Frankly, I wish you _would_ have; I had only just accepted that you were gone, for real, gone, and look who just pops up out of nowhere!"

Alex lowered her head.

"If I had known you were on this team, I never would have applied for the job," she said. "I didn't even know you went into the FBI."

"Yeah, well, I never knew you were with the FBI either. You never mentioned it. Not even once."

"My life and my career were in a bad place ten years ago. It was right after the Amerithrax case, remember?"

"Yeah, I've heard about that one," JJ said, trying her hardest to keep her tone civil and the subject neutral. "The army were quite angry with how the Bureau treated their chemist."

"No," Alex said and swallowed. "No, not the Bureau. Me. I was the one in charge, I was the one responsible."

"You were in charge of Amerithrax? Oh, that's right, _Blake_. I never connected the dots, since it happened before I got into that line of work. The media were all over it for months, weren't they?"

Alex recalled the satirical TV skit that nicknamed her "Agent Flake". Luckily it was a nickname that never caught on, but she also remembered taking a long shower and crying helplessly after the TV show had ended. When James called her that evening and asked why her voice sounded odd and stuffy, she told him she had been chopping onions. He had never questioned why she would chop onions to the point of tears past eleven at night, but then again, they were in different time zones, and his mind was occupied with life and death situations.

"Yeah, not exactly my proudest moment," Alex said and sighed. JJ shook her head, and Alex could tell just from her body language that JJ wasn't the slightest bit more sympathetic after learning this new piece of information.

"I'm sorry, but it just doesn't make any sense to me. So when one big career was falling apart, you decided to put your second big career in jeopardy, like some twisted gambling thing? Or was it just a 'go and fuck a student to take your mind off things' kind of deal?"

Alex slowly shook her head.

"No, no, no… it wasn't like that at all, Jennie."

"Don't you ever call me Jennie again. You lost the right to call me that the day you walked out on me with no explanation and refused to return my calls."

"JJ, then. JJ," Alex said, lowering her voice to a soothing murmur. "It wasn't like that. I swear to God, it wasn't like that. I fell head over heels for you. And I _wanted_ to contact you again over the years, many times. I didn't because… I was ashamed."

"I can't help but thinking you deserve to feel that way," JJ replied. Alex sighed and raised both hands as in surrender. This wasn't going anywhere. Whatever chances she might have had once, they were long gone. Washed down the drain like fallen October leaves on a stormy day.

"If we can only stay professional during this case, I promise I'll hand in my notice as soon as we get back to D.C. I'm not thrilled at this whole spectacle either; I only thought I would have to deal with one ghost from my past, but _two_ , whoa, that is more than I bargained for."

JJ was, against her will, intrigued. But still angry; there had been so many years when she felt used and then discarded after the elegant, serious Doctor Blake had taken everything she wanted from her and no longer deemed the risks worth the pleasure.

"Who's the other one? Did you fuck someone else on this team as well?"

"No!" Alex sounded scandalised. "And please stop referring to it as 'fucking'!"

"Oh I'm sorry. Is that word too vulgar for your sensitive linguist ears?"

Alex was rapidly running out of patience.

"No, it's not too vulgar, but I prefer to call things by their real name, and not once did I fuck you! I made love to you! I _loved_ you!"

JJ's jaws clenched.

"You certainly had a funny way of showing that."

"You just don't understand my situation, _okay_?!" Alex shouted and slapped a hand over her mouth. She never shouted. She rarely raised her voice at all, and it shocked her how JJ could provoke such a reaction in her. She felt jittery and on edge, almost like she had felt when she was trying to quit smoking.

"Then why did you just leave?" JJ didn't wait for an answer. "You know what's interesting?"

"What?"

"You have these fancy degrees in linguistics, you're fluent in seven languages and can get by on several more, but you never talk about things that _matter_ , like feelings."

"Your point being?"

"No point. It's just an observation. To be honest, I can't decide if you're an idiot savant or just cold-hearted."

"Jennifer…" Alex pleaded.

"Don't worry, I'm done now," JJ replied. "I've said what I've wanted to say. I can go another ten years without talking to you now."

"Good to know," Alex replied, and she hoped that the harshness in her voice sounded like just that - harshness - and not like she was struggling not to cry. JJ had made it perfectly clear that she could expect no sympathy. And why would she? JJ was right; it had been Alex who walked out with no explanation. Just ran away, like the coward she truly was deep inside.

* * *

"Second abduction site," JJ announced after almost five minutes of hostile silence, and pulled in at the parking lot.

"This is much smaller than the first," Alex noted. Slipping into the part of agent was easy, but then again, she had never had a problem playing a part. It was being herself that could be a problem from time to time.

"Notice anything similar from the first?" JJ wondered as they stepped out of the SUV and looked around. "Except for the fact that all parking lots look pretty much the same?"

"Yeah…" Alex said, dragging the word out. "The playground is right in the line of sight from the entrance."

"How much do you want to bet that our second victim went over there?"

Alex frowned.

"Did any of the victims have children of their own?"

"No."

"Hm. Is this some kind of a ruse?"

"What are you thinking?"

"What if our unsub used a child to lure the victim, either to his car or some secluded area where he could subdue her?"

JJ looked back at her. After all these years she had spent being angry with Alex, she had forgotten how intelligent and quick-thinking the other woman really was, and being confronted with it like this was a bit of a shock.

"I'll call Hotch," she eventually said, and Alex allowed herself a breath of relief. At least she had proven herself to be somewhat useful, and not merely an annoyance. Of course, she didn't know if she was right, but… her gut feeling told her she was. It had been a long time since she listened to it, but now she did. And if she _was_ right, this murderer truly was a monster.

* * *

 **A/N**

And here we go with some more angst. I know most people like to deliver the "time heals all wounds" cliché, and a lot of time it is true, but sometimes time makes things worse, especially if there's a misunderstanding to begin with. Communication is the key to any happy relationship.

Also, I want to point out that a crush alone cannot ever heal clinical depression ("True Love's Kiss" is a fairytale thing by the way, and frankly it took me over fifteen years of misery to debunk that myself) - but if you're not too ensnared in the gloom, it _can_ give that extra little boost that pushes you forward and gives you enough energy to move beyond it. Also, being down sometimes is normal, especially for very sensitive and very intelligent people. Being down constantly, however, is not normal and may require medical attention. Getting a depression is no more your own fault than getting the flu is, there is help to get, and yes, you do deserve to feel good.

Yes, you do.

YES, you do.

That kinda turned into a speech, so, I'll just leave you to it now. Be safe and take care.


	5. Chapter 5

_D.C, September, 2004_

Campus library is never empty, but there is one spot that always seems to be 'the road less travelled'. There is no reason for it, none that is obvious anyway, but it _is_ a fact, and there is where JJ seeks refuge this Monday. She cannot bring herself to go to the linguistics class and face her professor, how could she after this weekend? It was bad enough being drunk around her - JJ can't actually remember throwing up on the other woman, but she cringes at the thought anyway - but then she went and visited Doctor Blake in her home. Brought her flowers! All that she thinks she could get beyond, and she thinks Doctor Blake - Alex - could too, but then she had to go and _kiss_ her! _Why on Earth_ would she do such a thing when she had finally managed to smooth things over? It doesn't matter that she's madly in love with her, there are some things that you just can't do. It's called assault. Sexual harassment, even. JJ's stomach is churning at the thought. It doesn't matter that she meant no harm and that the kiss was incredibly innocent, it doesn't matter that she simply couldn't help herself, she violated her very private teacher's privacy and, oh, it's all just a hot mess.

 _Yeah, but she's so smart, and so pretty, and so sweet…_

"Fancy meeting you here," a silky voice says from behind her.

 _And she's_ here _!_ JJ thinks and wonders if she should make a run for it.

"I missed you in class today," Alex continues and sits down on the chair next to JJ's, blocking her immediate path to the door as if she knows what the blonde is thinking. "I don't usually give free passes, but this once I may have forgotten my own rule."

JJ gives her a shy glance, far from the brazen 'I kissed the teacher'-look Alex saw on her face this past weekend, and Alex realises that the girl is terrified of being reprimanded, or perhaps even teased about it in front of her classmates.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Alex asks. It's always easier for her to listen to others rather than pouring her own heart out, and she's genuinely curious about this whole situation. She has reined in her own feelings as harshly as she possibly can, built a whole brick wall of professionalism around the fire within, but she can't brush this off and walk away.

Jennifer looks at her, trying to measure if she really wants to know, and is calmed by the gentleness in Alex's large brown eyes.

"Yes," JJ says. "But not here. Not where any teacher or student might overhear."

 _Good point_ , Alex thinks.

"Okay. Where then? I know a coffee shop not far away, it's usually pretty quiet…"

"Okay," JJ whispers. Then; "I'm really sorry. Am I in trouble?"

"Not unless you decide to shout it around," Alex replies and smiles. "Or if you keep skipping class, of course," she adds as an afterthought, and JJ returns the smile, but her heart is pounding like crazy.

 _It's not a date_ , she reminds herself, but her infatuation insists on calling it just that, and it's thrilled.

* * *

The coffee shop has an interior based on dark wood and earth colours. It is indeed quiet and the few customers all seem rather closed-off, almost as if they have invisible walls put up between themselves and the rest of the world. Not in a hostile way, just… private. It's not quite JJ's thing, she likes to keep to herself at times, but all in all, she's a rather social being. She can definitely see Alex fit in well here, though. Yes, she can almost _see_ Alex sitting by the table in the far corner, with a cup of black coffee, a medium sized chocolate cupcake half-eaten and forgotten, and nose in a book. A hardcover of course, not one of those flimsy paperbacks. Probably first edition and original language as well. The image is so vivid, JJ has to put a hand over her mouth to hold back a giggle, but she doesn't fully succeed.

"Something funny?"

"This place is just so you, that's all," JJ says. Alex looks around, as if she's never seen the place before, then turns back to JJ.

"In what way?"

"It's… comfy."

"I'm _comfy_?" Alex says, raising her eyebrows. She knows exactly what the younger woman is trying to say, but she doesn't think anyone has referred to her as 'comfy' before. It's oddly adorable. JJ is sweating a little until Alex decides to let her off the hook. "I'm kidding, Jennifer, relax. Sorry."

JJ blushes and discreetly wipes her clammy palms on the back of her jeans.

"Where do you want to sit?" she asks. There are plenty of empty tables, but Alex nods towards the one JJ has just pictured her at.

"I usually sit over there. It's nice and quiet and you have a good overview of the entire room."

As they make their way to the table, JJ can't stop herself.

"May I ask, do you usually order black coffee and a chocolate cupcake, while reading something classic by J.D Salinger or Victor Hugo?"

Alex frowns.

"Actually, I order latte when I'm out. Black coffee is more fuel than anything else. And yes, if I order anything to eat, it's usually chocolate _something_. Have you been spying on me… or are you just profiling me?" she adds in a sly voice.

JJ doesn't know exactly what profiling is, but she knows she hasn't spied on Alex. She also knows that if she had, Alex would have caught her red-handed long ago. She doesn't seem like the type to be oblivious to anything going on around her.

"No, I haven't spied on you… it just seemed like it would suit you."

"Mhm. Mainly when I'm here, I write rather than read, though."

"What do you write?"

"Stuff," Alex says, not wanting to admit to writing poetry. She's not a talent like that student she once had, but she's not completely useless at it either. But if she admits it, then JJ will ask to read some, and she isn't comfortable letting anyone read what she writes, whether it's a journal, poems or essays on the miracle of human language. She thinks she might publish something one day, but that is likely to be non-fiction; something educational in the linguistics field.

"The great American novel?"

"Hardly," Alex replies and snorts. "More like the great American waste of time."

She takes out her wallet and JJ shakes her head.

"It's on me," JJ says. "I was the one dragging you out here, causing this entire mess."

"It's no mess," Alex lies without blinking and moves on to the truth; "and you bought me those beautiful flowers, so let me buy the coffee." She tilts her head to the side and looks closely at JJ. "Only you're not really a coffee-drinker, are you? You probably drink coffee around others to fit in, but you don't really like the taste, do you?"

JJ blinks. She has never told anyone about that; she just drinks her coffee and shuts up.

"How did you know?"

"Every class, you bring a cup of coffee, take two or three sips, make a slightly disgusted face each time, and then you throw away the almost-full cup after class. Like it's only for show; your classmates are drinking it, so you do what they do, hoping that sooner or later you'll just grow used to it and start liking it."

"That's amazing."

"No, it isn't, it's just a matter of detecting patterns and picking up on details," Alex brushes it off. "You're a tea person, aren't you?"

JJ nods.

"Do you take it with sugar or milk?"

"I drink it plain. I'm a very plain person, really."

Alex tries to hold back a smile as she says;

"Somehow I find that hard to believe."

* * *

When they have gotten their orders, Alex decides to stop beating about the bush and asks JJ flat out;

"Was it a dare? You kissing me?"

"What? No." JJ is surprised that Alex would even consider this, and for the first time she realises that this tough woman might be much more sensitive on the inside than she wants to let on. The very thought makes JJ want to put both arms around her and hold her close, assuring her that all her intentions, no matter how erratic their following actions may seem, are pure and true. But she can't… at least not here in public.

Alex takes a sip of her coffee. It burns all the way from her mouth to her stomach, but she barely notices. All her focus is on Jennifer Jareau.

"No… I didn't think so, but I wanted to make sure."

"No dare, I promise."

"So why did you do it?"

"I don't know. I mean, I've been wanting to do that since I first saw you, but I couldn't tell you why I just went ahead and did it. I'm usually not that impulsive, I swear," JJ says, desperate to make Alex realise that she's not a complete idiot.

Alex nods slowly, but before she can think about what to say, JJ says in a low voice;

"You know how they say 'you had me by hello'?"

Alex nods again, licking her lips. It's one of those nervous tics she has developed in the past year that she's never going to get rid of, but she's unaware she even has it. JJ notices it though, and she is almost distracted. What she wouldn't do to taste those lips again… and being tasted in return.

"Let's say you had me by 'I don't allow cell phones in my classroom'," JJ says honestly and Alex can't help it, she has to laugh. Part of it is because of sheer surprise, since this remark is unusual bordering on weird, another part is how JJ perfectly imitates Alex's somewhat haughty lecturer's tone, but most of it is something unidentifiable that has no _le mot juste_ to describe it. All she knows is that the laughter is deep and refreshing, and that people are starting to give her funny looks, but she can't stop. JJ doesn't seem to be at all bothered by this sudden outburst and Alex feels a great rush of relief. She doesn't have to be in complete control of herself in front of this young woman. And all of a sudden, Alex's so far mostly platonic romantic interest turns into desperate, maddening lust. She doesn't just _want_ Jennifer, she _needs_ her, she craves her touch, she wants the two of them wrapped in a tight embrace with not so much as a thread of fabric between their bodies…

She abruptly stops laughing.

 _I have gone insane. That must be it. I have finally cracked, this is a complete mental breakdown._

Normally Alex shies away from physical contact, especially when she's emotionally unsettled, but when JJ's hand lands on her arm it's as if it has belonged there from the moment they first met. Alex doesn't push it away, doesn't retreat, because she needs it. Her body needs it, but even more so, her _heart_ needs it. It has been ruled by her cold and stoic mind for too long and it has had enough of it. Alex needs an actual human being right now, not a voice on the phone or a photo in a frame. She needs a real, present human being to touch her and confirm her own existence. She needs someone to claim her, and it doesn't matter the slightest that the claim is made by shaky hands with slightly sweaty palms. Somebody finally took the time and the effort to reach out and touch Alex Blake, and she is grateful that this somebody was Jennifer.

"Alex," Jennifer says in a quiet voice - her pulse is audible in it, but she pushes on anyway - while her thumb is rubbing soothing circles on the other woman's arm. "Let's get out of here."

"Where would we go?"

Her resolve and cool are wavering, the thick skin she has prided herself on having is shedding and she's feeling very vulnerable. The brick walls are still standing, but they're trembling. Oh, yes, they are trembling.

"We can go back to my place, if it's not too uncomfortable for you," JJ says. "Agatha won't be back before six."

And as she looks into those kind eyes, Alex makes that first truly reckless decision.

She says yes.

* * *

 **A/N**

This is not going to turn into a graphic sex fic, but it's likely going to waver on the line, so it may turn M soon. Also I'm very sorry about the weirdness of this chapter, I had a slightly different scenario in my mind but it just wouldn't go where I tried to lead it, it went where it wanted to anyway.

And for those who thinks it's odd that Alex has made such an improvement in such a short time, I'm picturing it as the antidepressants finally starting to do their job. It takes some time for those bastards to reach full effect. Plus, of course, a little bit of a crush is a nice difference to the constant dark clouds... ;)


	6. Chapter 6

_Seattle, August, 2014_

The team gathered back at the police station to discuss what they had so far. Alex and JJ took the two chairs left beside each other, and subconsciously pulled them further apart, turning away from each other. It caused Hotch and Rossi to exchange looks, and Reid to frown.

"Something wrong?" he asked, aiming his question at Blake. She was careful to look completely expressionless when she replied.

"No."

"Blake has a theory about the unsub," JJ said. "Tell them."

"Well, we noticed that on each abduction site, there's a playground in the immediate line of sight from the entrance. Our unsub might use a child to lure the victims away, either to his car or some other location where he can subdue them. While it does seem like it would be too eye-catching with a lone male around the children at the playground, it _is_ possible that he was close by."

"The unsub _could_ be a woman, though," JJ added, but Reid shook his head.

"Not likely. The victim we did find was beaten so hard she was almost unrecognisable, and she had been strangled to death with bare hands. It's not consistent with a woman's strength or usual MO; most women who kill do so by means of poison or drowning."

"So our unsub is a male."

"He could be a father?" Alex suggested. "Asking her for help with his kid? If the kid is obviously not wary of him, the victim probably wouldn't be alarmed."

"And then they would lure her back to their car and somehow subdue her. Interesting theory. Is the child in on this?" Hotch said.

"Could be conditioned to it. Or he or she is just subdued as well. An 'if you don't do this I'll kill your mother instead' type of deal."

"Families that kill together, stick together…" Rossi mumbled. JJ shuddered.

"What I'd like to know is where is the mother in all this?" Alex said. "Does she know? Is she afraid of talking? Is she in on it? Is she dead?"

"Or divorced," Reid chimed in.

Hotch nodded.

"All interesting points. We need to find someone who can tell us who were at those playgrounds in those specific days. It can be difficult, especially since the investigation so far has been… lacking. We need to check all men with children who were at the restaurants around the time of the abductions."

"What if they never went inside and bought anything? Then there will be no surveillance footage and no records of them being at the site, not to mention no witnesses placing them there," Reid said.

"A kid, on the playground outside a McDonald's, and they don't even get a milkshake?" Alex said. "You'd spot _that_ kid - and everyone in their company - from miles away."

JJ actually chuckled a little at her remark and nodded.

"Yeah, Blake is right," she said, much to the other woman's surprise and delight. "Besides, if he's using the kid as a bait and the kid isn't acting afraid of him, he must bribe them with something."

"Buying their love and obedience with junk food. Sounds like about half the divorced fathers I know," Rossi said, accidentally caught Hotch's eye, and added; "present fathers don't count, of course."

Hotch shook his head, but didn't take it personally because he knew it wasn't true for him. However, it _was_ true in many cases, and not only among fathers.

"Also, a child that has been conditioned to this behaviour would see nothing odd about it. That's just 'what daddy and I do'," Rossi finished.

"He might even have turned this into a game for the kid. Like some kind of a twisted treasure hunt," Alex pointed out.

"How old do we think the child is?" JJ asked, and she had to struggle to keep her voice steady. Alex noticed, but she didn't think any of the men did. It was so marginal… and she only knew it because she had once been very finely tuned into Jennifer, for a short period of time, yes, but it had been… it had been intense.

"Somewhere between five to eleven," Reid said. "A child younger than that would be hard to control even with bribes and threats, and an older child would stick out at a playground."

"You don't think he… hurts the child as well, do you?" JJ asked. Alex realised that JJ's own son would fit the age span, and she once more wanted to reach out and touch the younger woman, this time to offer comfort and reassurance, but she once more kept her impulse under tight wraps.

"Almost certainly not," Reid said and launched into a tirade of statistics, but neither JJ nor Blake could forget his initial word.

 _Almost._

* * *

A little while later, JJ and Reid were looking through the surveillance tapes from all the fast food joints while Hotch discussed previous actions with the policemen in charge of the local investigation. Blake and Rossi had gotten the very vague task of coming up with other theories if this one turned out to be a dead end. They thought they had gone through every other possibility, except for those that clearly belonged in "The X-files", but nothing that could be deemed glaringly obvious turned up.

"I still prefer the theory with the child ruse," Rossi said.

"Of course the playgrounds could all be a coincidence and he had another ruse," Alex said, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"Or he had no ruse at all and just grabbed them."

"Yeah, but in broad daylight on a crowded parking lot with no witnesses? I'm not buying that."

"I'm not saying it makes sense, maybe he was just lucky."

She groaned.

"Why are these guys always so lucky?"

"Not _so_ lucky… we'll catch him."

"Yeah… but he's good."

"He is. But we're the best."

She looked up and smiled at him.

"Yes, we are."

"So, how are you holding up, you and JJ? You seem to have some issues. Does it work out?"

"I hope so, for this case at least. I'll request a transfer when we get back, though," Alex replied, averting her eyes and hoping her clipped tone would keep him from asking any more questions. No such luck, of course.

"I think that would be a huge mistake," he said.

"I think staying on would be a bigger one," she shot back.

"Now you're being too harsh on yourself, Blake. Don't make that decision just yet. Can you at least promise me that? Work this case with us 100 %, and decide after we get back."

"I know I cannot possibly get a better job, but it's not only for myself, I have to think about JJ as well."

Rossi leaned back in his chair and watched her tapping her pen against the table. Nervous tic. Interesting.

"What really happened?"

"I can't say."

"Can't, or won't? Because I have never seen JJ hold a grudge before. She's a sweet kid, quite easy to get along with."

"Obviously I don't."

"I think you should have a talk and sort things out."

"We had a talk in the car earlier. It didn't go so well, so…" she shrugged. "It's okay."

"If at first you don't succeed…" Rossi said. "Talk to her again. If you choose to leave, that is one thing, but you should sort things out with her before, so you can get some closure."

"What would you know about that?"

"I don't even need to be a profiler to know how hard the Amerithrax case hit you. And if my calculations aren't completely off, that would have happened about the same time you met JJ, if she took your class when she was in her senior year."

Alex felt like he had just slapped her in the face.

"What are you getting at?"

"Only that you were in a rather strained situation to begin with. What kind of relationship were you having?"

"She was my student. That's all." That was her official story and she stuck to it. Clung to it by teeth and nails was probably more like it, to be honest.

"You were lovers, weren't you?" Rossi coaxed in a soft, gentle voice.

That wasn't like a slap in the face, more like a punch to the gut. She refused to answer, but her cheeks heated up and answered the question for her.

"I can see the truth written all over your face," he said and gave her shoulder a brief squeeze before she could recoil. "Now, what do you say I go get us some of that horrible coffee they have?"

"Yes, please," she said, pretending to look at the case files when in reality, she was far away. "Rossi?"

He turned around.

"Mhm?"

"Please don't tell anyone, okay?"

"I won't. But think about what I said. I think you'd make a good addition to the team. Don't throw that away without consideration."

"That's not my decision to make," she said. He looked back at her, seeming a tad surprised.

"Yes, it is."

"I can't work side by side with someone that still makes my heart flutter."

"Then talk to her. Maybe you can figure something out."

"I would never have a chance either way. She's married."

"Well, so are you."

Alex was speechless. Rossi gave her a little smile as he went back to the table and sat down.

"At least don't walk away without clearing the air. You'll just end up running for another decade if you do."

"What do you know about that?"

"I know what went down during Amerithrax. The media trashed you, the army practically lynched you, the Bureau turned its back on you, the public ridiculed you. Your husband had just signed on to work with Doctors without borders. Life was not kind to you, Alex. Then you found a ray of light. A spark. A reason to keep living. And you reached for it. Most people would have."

Alex swallowed to hold back a sob.

"She saved my life just by being there, you know. By not judging. I know it would seem to the world like I was some kind of a predator, zeroing in on a young helpless student, but it wasn't like that. She was the strong one. She was the one who lent me some of her light so that I could survive the dark. She was the one who motivated me to get up in the morning, to put on my makeup and go to work, when the only thing I wanted to do was to sit on the floor in the shower and cry."

"So what happened?"

Alex laughed bitterly.

"I got scared, and I walked out on her. That was it. No big epic fight. No public exposure or drama. I just left and cut all contact."

"That's a classic. The linguist that doesn't communicate."

"I've heard that many times before, trust me."

"So what are you going to do about it?"

"I fail to see why I have to do anything about it. We're working this case as professionals, we go back to DC, we go our different ways. Problem solved," she said, slowly working her way back to a more comfortable tone - a snarky one.

"Ah. So you _want_ to keep running away. Well, in that case, good luck," Rossi said as he stood, smiling. He was hoping to provoke some further reaction in the woman before him, maybe even offend her to the point where she'd lose her cool and be forced to deal with herself, but if there was anything at all, it only showed as very shallow ripples on the surface. The vast undercurrents of emotions stayed hidden beneath, where they had been gathering poison for the past ten years. So she felt guilty because she believed she had used JJ and then thrown her away. And JJ was under the same impression. That was some mess, indeed.

 _Guilt is a mighty stressor_ , he thought to himself as he went to get that coffee.

 _Fuck you, David Rossi_ , Alex thought as she wiped away the tears of anger, embarrassment and sadness that had pooled in the corners of her eyes. _This is none of your business, so stay out of it. I'm leaving this team as soon as the case is closed, and I will never look back again._

Oh, how good we are at fooling ourselves!

* * *

 **A/N**

Meh. I want to grab them by the collar and scream in their faces that they're being idiots.

Grumpy writer is grumpy today.


	7. Chapter 7

_DC, September, 2004_

On their way to JJ's apartment, Alex has a serious urge to chain-smoke to keep her nerves in control, but she decides that if JJ has the intentions she believes she has, she doesn't want to taste like an ashtray and forces herself to make a single cigarette last for several minutes, and then switch it for a breath mint. They walk, because the weather is nice and because Alex's car is still at campus. JJ doesn't have one of her own yet.

"I will after graduating," she says. "I did have a car back home, but I had to sell it so I could afford some things."

"What kind of car was it?" Alex doesn't wonder about this, but rather what JJ would look like on top of her in bed, but she can't ask that out loud, now, can she? Besides, if she's lucky - or unlucky, depending on how you view this soon-to-be-affair, - she'll find that out for herself soon.

"Ah, just a beat-up Chevy, a hand-me-down from my cousin." JJ giggles, "Car was so old if you washed it the colour came off with the dirt. Just peeled right off. But, I loved that car."

Alex thinks of the Mercedes she drives and feels like some bored uptown wife luring in a young downtown rebel for some mindless sex games. It doesn't help that the second car they have, the car James drives, is a BMW. She can't even claim to have 'worked herself up' to money the way Jennifer might do one day. Sure, Alex has had to work hard, but she never had to give anything up. There was always enough money to get by on - and then some. Even as newlyweds, she and James never went through that financially wavering (or even downright desperate) phase. She had some smart long-term investments, James came from money and made a lot of it in his profession. They had pulled the lucky card, or so she thought.

So why was _she_ unhappy, while JJ seemed to beam?

"What was your first own car?" JJ asks.

"Um…" Alex has no idea. That was twenty years ago and she has no sentimental attachment whatsoever to machines she has once used. "I really don't remember."

"What about your first kiss?"

Alex comes very close to choking on the mint over this sudden change of subject.

"Don't tell me you forgot about your first kiss," JJ says in a disappointed voice.

"Of course I remember my first kiss. It just isn't much to remember. I was thirteen, played in the local Junior Basketball League, I set the winning score at one game. And the boy that had been hanging around me for the past few months or so, kissed me. It was pretty undramatic. I was mostly worried if he'd notice that I had never been kissed before."

"And what are you worried about now?" JJ asks gently as she touches Alex's arm.

"I'm worried you won't like me," Alex say truthfully and looks away. The student reaches out a hand and touches her professor's long, dark hair.

"Oh, I like you. Don't worry about that. I like you a lot."

She unlocks the front door. "Okay, brace for impact."

* * *

It's a pretty nice apartment, the three-roomer that Jennifer shares with the late mystery author's namesake. Slightly messy but in a homey rather than off-putting way. Alex tends to evaluate these things on three accounts; 1) the presence of living plants, 2) curtains in all windows, and 3) no dried-in food stains on the kitchen table, and this place checks in clear on all of these things. She doesn't mind having to climb over a mountain of shoes to get inside ( _girls will be girls_ , she thinks), she doesn't mind the hoodie thrown on the couch, and she definitely doesn't mind the books littered everywhere, mostly paperbacks or library editions, but a couple of 'fancier' copies with dust jackets as well.

"Agatha is the one who reads the classics. I've never really been able to get into them," JJ says, almost apologetically. Alex pulls out a thumbed James Patterson paperback from a pile of mixed books and smiles.

"It's not _what_ you read that matters, it's _that_ you read… and this one is good," she remarks and reluctantly puts the book back. "But we're not here to discuss literature, are we?"

JJ blushes and shakes her head.

"Hey, I know we've just left the coffee shop, but do you want anything? Coffee? Tea? I have a couple of Pepsis that I'm hiding from Agatha unless she found my hiding spot…" she's talking so fast she's stumbling over the words. Alex interrupts her with the one thing she has wondered since lunchtime on Saturday.

"Did you know I'm married?"

JJ deflates.

"Yeah," she whispers and gestures to Alex's wedding band. "I knew. I'm really sorry."

Alex isn't listening. She has turned to her own council.

"The valid question, I think, is do _I_ know I'm married," she mutters under her breath. JJ gives her a hopeful look that she can even _feel_ is pathetic, but she can't wipe it off her face. She's nervous, but that must be nothing compared to how the other woman feels, and strangely enough, that helps calming her down.

"I shouldn't be doing this," Alex says and shakes her head almost as if she's trying to wake herself up from a dream. "Where am I going with you anyway?"

"Anywhere you want," JJ answers. It should sound like a melodramatic line from a lousy romance novel, but it doesn't, because there is no melodrama whatsoever in it, only longing and truth. Alex looks back at her for what feels like an eternity, torn between what she wants and what she's supposed to do.

"I'm going to kiss you again," JJ eventually says, deciding to take the lead. "If you don't want me to, the door is unlocked. If you choose to leave, I'll respect that decision."

Alex's eyes wander to the door, then back to JJ's hazy blue eyes, then back to the door again. She takes a few steps towards it, reaching out a hand, and JJ's heart sinks. Then Alex locks the door and turns back to JJ, biting her lip. She's so nervous she's trembling, and her heart is beating so hard she's beginning to feel light-headed, but she wants this. This is one decision she makes for herself. Not for the job, not for James, not even for JJ.

This is where Alex Blake makes the second reckless decision. Everything that comes after it is a direct consequence.

* * *

When she closes the distance between them, JJ's mouth is upon hers before she can make the move herself, but she is eager to respond. The kiss is sweet, but there is power behind it. A lot of power.

"I should probably tell you right off the bat that I've never…" Alex begins and interrupts herself with a moan when Jennifer moves down a little and starts placing tiny kisses down Alex's jaw and neck. "That I've never, uh…" she has completely lost track of what she's trying to say.

"Don't worry… neither have I," JJ whispers. "We'll improvise."

'Improvise' is a word that Alex normally doesn't like. It leaves too much room for possible failure, embarrassment and rejection. But when JJ says it, it sounds almost like magic. It holds all the promises in the world; maybe Alex doesn't have to excel at something before she has tried it, the way she has lived her entire life up till now.

"Yeah…" she says. "I can, uh, I can do that…"

"Breathe," JJ instructs her. "That's kind of essential."

Ah, but she can barely breathe herself. Her pale complexion is flushed and she's… well, hot and bothered is the description that best fits.

 _That's my doing_ , Alex thinks, in wonder. She's sure she has managed to put James into this state at one point in their lives, but it seems like forever ago. She has always thought he was quite 'wham bam thank you ma'am' when it comes to sex, but she's not sure she's going to be much better herself today. She's so aroused she feels like the slightest touch below her waist will make her lose what little control she still possesses, and when the younger woman begins to unbutton her slacks, she sucks in air between her teeth.

"Oh my God," she exhales, "go easy on me."

"Where's the fun in that?" JJ responds, but slows down. She wants to take the command to make Alex feel comfortable, not the opposite, and besides, she wants this to last. "Come," she says and takes Alex's hand. "Let's go to bed."

Alex nods and follows, too dazed to speak. Her jacket is thrown over a chair and she's half-way out of her blouse. Her lips are swollen from kissing, and the lipstick she was wearing is smeared out, but to JJ, she has never looked more attractive. The very controlled professor who could make a whole class put away their cell phones just by the tone of her voice is replaced by a helpless, stuttering mess, and there is just something about the contrast that fires the younger woman up to no end. No, maybe neither of them have the experience, but they _are_ both women, aware of what their bodies look like and how they react, and that should count for something. And they want this. That counts for even more.

* * *

Afterwards, as they're lying cramped up in JJ's bed, Alex has regained her ability to speak in coherent sentences.

"You're not doing this for the bragging rights, I hope," she mumbles, once again hit by the insecurity that seems to have crept into every corner of her life in the past year. Before that, she would have been the aggressor. But then again, before that, she never would have considered sleeping with a student.

"Come on Alex, give me some credit," JJ says, nuzzling her.

"I am. Extra credit."

JJ snorts.

"Is that what _you're_ doing?"

"No," Alex says, twirling some of Jennifer's silky blonde hair between her fingers. It's like touching the sunshine. "But if this isn't going to be a one-time thing, then we have to be very, very careful. The consequences…"

"I know," JJ assures her, quickly so she won't have to hear them spoken out loud.

"Your roommate, would she talk?"

"Oh God, no! She may give the impression of a blabbermouth, but she can keep a secret. We've lived together for almost two years, I know."

"What does she do?"

"Studying to be a lawyer."

Alex tries to picture the heavyset, bubbly redhead in court and finds that she has no problems doing so. She thinks the talkative, easy-going girl could be lethal if she wanted to. In fact, that might also be true about the sweet, petite blonde that's curled up against her like a content kitten.

JJ stretches and props herself up on one elbow.

"Wow, I'm going to be sore," she says, grinning.

"Thank you…?" Alex isn't sure what to say. JJ, still grinning, trails a finger down her stomach.

"Were you really telling the truth about never being with a woman before?"

"Yeah. Were you?"

"Mhm. I think we did pretty good."

Alex chuckles and pulls her close, inhaling the faint scent of shampoo and a light flowery perfume, and she doesn't want to let go. Ever. There may be a ring on her finger telling her and the rest of the world that she already belongs to someone, but it has never been like this before. It's frightening. It's wonderful. It's addictive.

"So do I."

* * *

That evening, long after the unexpected lovers have parted with the promise to see each other soon again, Alex finds herself in her empty home, pacing restlessly. She has things to do; paperwork, laundry, she should clear the dishwasher, make and eat dinner, but she can't focus on anything. She walks aimlessly from one room to the other, one _neatly furnished and impeccably clean_ room to the other, and for the first time it strikes her that her home doesn't look lived in. Everything is put away in its place, there's not a spot on the windowpanes or mirrors, no forgotten coffee mug on a desk or table.

 _If I walked out the door and left, another person could just walk right in and take over my life with no effort. There is no mark of me here._

Of course there is, but it's oddly anonymous. Like she has spent her entire life perfecting herself into someone who's not real. Or perhaps it's because she tried to polish away all distinctive marks when media was all over her, but the reason doesn't matter. The point is that there is nothing here that really speaks of who Alex Blake is. She's making a profile of herself based on the house and comes up with a pretty disheartening one.

 _Tidy but not OCD, with expensive but Spartan preferences, likes books, particularly classics, plays chess, likes Italian red wine. Indicates high academic education and money. Oh, and lives more in the past than the present, judging by all the photographs on the walls and desks._

She enters the bedroom and sighs as she looks at the bedside table and the pill bottles lined up there.

 _Depressed, anxious and has trouble sleeping. A typical overachiever who doesn't know when to stop._

Her eyes shift to the untouched side of the bed. The side that has been cold and empty for months.

 _Separated, divorced or in a long-distance relationship._

 _I could be any middle-aged career woman in America._

"And no children," she says out loud and jumps a little at the sound of her own voice. It sounds too loud in this wide-stretched silence. She has never been much for children, and neither has James, but they did make an attempt several years ago. Nothing came of it. They were both a bit too absorbed by their jobs to push the issue, and while it's not too late, it's on the verge. James brought the topic back up for discussion before signing on with the Doctors without borders, but it turned out neither of them were that interested in changing their busy work schedule for a baby schedule. Alex still thinks it was the right choice for them, but she wonders if things would have been different if there had been a child in the house. Probably not. If you're already running out of love, starting a family might not be a good idea.

The phone is ringing. She goes to get it, hoping against hope that it'll be Jennifer, but she doesn't think the younger woman has her home number. Besides, she would call her on the cell phone, that would be safer. More private. And with that thought, it suddenly strikes her full force;

 _Oh God, I'm having an affair. I'm cheating on my husband._

She should feel guilty, but the closest she gets is a washed-out, tired disgust at her own greed. Not even when she answers the phone and realises it's James does that feeling turn into real guilt. Only a stronger level of self-disgust.

"Hey darling," he says, sounding stressed but oblivious. No intuitive knowledge of his wife's recent infidelity. Would she know if he cheated on her? She always thought so, but look at that, she didn't even know _she_ would cheat. Maybe it's true that we never really know someone, but then we never really know ourselves either.

"Hey, honey!" she says, trying to sound enthusiastic. Perhaps it's the static buzz on the line that forgives her meagre attempt, perhaps he just doesn't pay enough attention to realise it's fake. "Is everything okay?"

"Remind me again why I signed on for this," he says, pretending to sound exhausted, but she can tell that it's acted and that he's loving every moment. Doctor James Blake, born to save the world.

"Because you're the good guy," Alex replies. They've had this conversation before, she knows what he wants to hear and she says it. Besides, it's not a lie. You have to be a good guy to put your own life on the line to help complete strangers in another part of the world. But sometimes the good guys are so busy saving the world that they forget to save their own little piece in it.

"Because I was born with half a brain, is more like it," he says. "This place is hotter than hell."

"Yeah, you've been there, so obviously you can compare them," Alex replies sarcastically. He laughs, but it sounds strained.

"It's actually not the heat that bothers me so much as it is all this damn sand. We had a sandstorm yesterday and you wouldn't believe how it gets in everywhere! I'm surprised the equipment works, but Jacques and Hans have dealt with the sandstorms before and they know how to brace for them…"

He goes on about colleagues she has never met and never will meet, life-saving procedures she has never seen performed and never will, a life so different from the one she's leading she feels like she's speaking to a visitor from another planet. And suddenly she wants to tell him everything, beg him to forgive her and to come home, and maybe they still have a shot at a life _together_. She bites her tongue before she tells him anything, though. Maybe she just needs to test this thing in order to come back to their marriage, revitalised and strengthened in her faith in the 'for better and for worse' vow she spoke eleven years ago.

"And how about you? Everything good on the home front?"

No _! I just started an affair with a student! A_ female _student! I've had my share of crushes on teachers myself, and I do have a soft spot for certain actresses, but I have never even thought about sleeping with a woman and yet I just did! Why would I do that if everything was good? Why would I even_ want _to stray?_

"Yep, all's well."

"Good. Listen, I've gotta go now, but I'll try to call you sometime tomorrow if I can. I love you."

"I love you too."

Does she? She supposes she does. You can't just turn off love, even if it has started to run a bit thin over time. They hang up and she closes her eyes, trying to will the world to go away. It doesn't.

Then her cell phone goes off, and she has one text message in the inbox. The number is not in her phonebook, but she programs it in right away, because the message is from Jennifer. It's brief and to the point, but it makes her feel all fuzzy and warm inside.

 _I miss you._

She quickly types a short reply;

 _I miss you too._

It only takes a few seconds until JJ has responded again.

 _I'm glad you do. Looking forward to next time. ;)_

That is all it takes for Alex to finally force herself into the kitchen, where she settles for a tuna salad for dinner. She's not sure she can eat anything heavier. Her stomach is already filled - with butterflies.

* * *

 **A/N**

I said I wasn't going to get graphic, and personally I think this slips past the M tag so far, but it's kind of obvious what they're doing, so I thought I'd better slap the M there for safety measures. :P


	8. Chapter 8

_Seattle, August, 2014_

"JJ, you would tell me if you had a problem, right?" Reid said.

"Uh, sure."

"You would tell me if this problem had to do with a colleague too, wouldn't you?" he continued, and JJ looked at him. He was sweating a little at the temples and she felt a wave of compassion, so strong it almost felt like love, when she saw how insecure he was. Poor Reid, he was so confident when it came to facts and statistics, but he was a mess when social clues and emotional issues surfaced. It wasn't that he didn't pick up on them; he did, but he wasn't always sure of how to deal with them.

"Is this about Blake?" JJ said. Using the other woman's last name, the name that wasn't hers but her husband's, was painful and at the same time easier. It was less personal, because during the brief time they were indeed a couple, JJ had never called her anything but Alex.

"It is," Reid said. "At least that's what it seems like to me."

JJ reached out a hand for the remote control and paused the video of the surveillance footage.

"You knew her before she joined the team, didn't you?" she asked.

"Yeah, I've guest lectured in her forensic linguistics classes several times. Gideon introduced us, but that was way back. I like Blake," he said and carefully watched how JJ's expression turned into something akin to pain. "But I take it you don't."

 _I'm honestly not sure_ what _I feel about her anymore_ , JJ thought and sighed.

"It's a bit more complicated than just a matter of liking," she said.

"Well, what then? She's smart, she's good at the job, she's…"

"Self-centred, dismissive and aloof?" JJ added before she had the time to filter her thoughts. "I'm sorry Spence. I guess I just have some personal issues with her."

"What happened? If she was your professor, what could have happened to bring so much bad blood it lasts for so many years? Did you get unfair bad grades? Did she catch you cheating or anything like that? Or what?"

His choice of words were hilariously accurate in a way, only it had been Alex who had been cheating, but not on JJ, but on her husband _with_ JJ.

"Spencer…" Oh, what the hell, what harm could it do? It had been a decade. "I had an affair with her."

"You were lovers?"

JJ nodded, and felt her cheeks heat up a little, even though Reid sounded less surprised than she would have given him credit for.

"And now you don't even like her?" Reid said and seemed confused. "What happened?"

"She left me without explanation, okay? And that's not even the point. The point is that she could have made contact with me any time in all those years and explained herself, but she chose not to. Like I wasn't worth it. Like I didn't mean enough."

"Did… did _you_ try to contact _her_?"

"I did. For the first month. She never answered my calls and never called me back, and since she reassigned my class to another professor I guess the hint was pretty obvious. She didn't want to talk to me again."

"So you never tried to make contact with her in the years that followed?"

JJ groaned.

"I see where you're going with this. No, I didn't. Her departure was brutal enough, it didn't exactly leave any room for hesitation about her feelings."

"What about your feelings?"

JJ remained silent.

"Maybe you should talk to her now? I mean, at some point you have to sort out your differences if you're going to work together."

"We're not," JJ said. "She has already agreed to resign as soon as we get back to DC."

"Wow."

He didn't say any more than that, but JJ immediately felt guilty. Was she too harsh on her former lover? Forcing her out of her job because of what happened ten years ago might be a bit exaggerated and was not at all JJ's normal behaviour. Then again, Alex Blake always made her behave out of character, from the moment they first met.

The two agents watched the surveillance tapes from the fast food restaurants in silence for a while.

"Do you think I should?" JJ asked eventually.

"Hm?" Reid said and paused the tape again. "Yes, I think you should talk to her. I really like you JJ, but I like Alex too, and I was looking forward to working with her."

"And now I ruin it," JJ said. Reid frowned.

"I didn't say that. JJ, are you still in love with her, is that why you're acting so weird when she's around?"

"I'm not in love with her!" JJ huffed. "I'm married, remember? And I love Will. Why am I acting weird around Blake, well, I just told you. That's not enough in your book?"

"Okay," he said softly. "It's just hard for me to see that in her, is all. I've always thought Alex is a good person. I'm not defending her actions if she did all that to you, but you don't think there's a possibility it was a misunderstanding leading up to it? Was she abusive as a partner?"

"Oh God Spence, we had an affair for six or seven months."

"The signs usually start turning up sooner than that."

JJ shook her head.

"No, she's not abusive. She's probably the sweetest and most thoughtful partner I've ever had. Genuine. Which made her actions so much more hurtful and surprising."

"Then it was circumstances and not Alex having a vendetta against you. And to find out those circumstances you need to talk to her. JJ, she is a good person. You know that."

"I know she is, Spence. I'm just not sure _I_ am a good enough person to forgive her and move on."

"Yes, you are," he replied as if there was never any doubt, and turned back to the tapes. "You know, while there are men coming in with children, it's not the same men on all the tapes."

"Yeah…" JJ said. "Let's get them identified , and we'll check them up anyway."

"Yeah," Reid said and turned back to the technology, while JJ looked down at her own hands. Ten years ago, those hands had been entangled in Alex's thick dark hair, tugging at it while she was busy kissing every last spot of her skin, trying to get as many sounds of pleasure out of the older woman as possible.

JJ's cheeks flushed again as she realised that she was getting a little bit turned on by these memories.

 _Alright, I might talk to her, but refuse to let her know how she gets under my skin just by being around. It's been a decade, it's not like I haven't had sex - good sex - since then. And she's not exactly some kind of sex goddess anyway._

No, maybe not. But she had to admit that Alex had been… fun… to play with. Playful and sensitive, and always creative. Will was a good guy and he wasn't a bad lover either, but his idea of being creative in bed started and ended with role-play, while Alex had… some other ideas at times. Particularly ideas involving mouths.

 _And frozen grapes_ , JJ thought and snickered to herself before she tried to be serious again. What had happened between them was in the past, sad but true, but perhaps they could at least make present day endurable if they both stopped behaving like scorned teenagers. Festering wounds won't heal, sometimes they need to be ripped open and disinfected, no matter how painful it could be.

* * *

It was eleven o'clock when Hotch gathered the team again and as they had nothing new and waited for identification on the male customers, he told them to go back to the hotel to get some sleep.

"We gather here again at 6. 30 tomorrow," he announced, and JJ couldn't help giving Alex a quick glance. She remembered how much the older woman detested getting up early in the morning, and that had obviously not changed with time. Not that the linguist said anything, but the slight, disapproving curl of her upper lip was more than enough proof.

"I spotted what looked like a decent Italian place downtown," Rossi said, "anyone wanna join me for a bite?"

"I'm in," Hotch replied and Reid nodded.

"Yeah, you do tend to pick good Italian restaurants. Your choice in steakhouses on the other hand is usually downright terrible…" Reid began and Rossi shook his head and turned to Hotch.

"Is there any way we can put the kid on mute?"

Hotch ignored Rossi altogether - that's how _Hotch_ put anyone on mute - and turned to the female agents.

"Any of you care to join us?"

Blake looked torn, but eventually she replied; "No, thank you. I think I need sleep more than I need food right now. I'll grab a sandwich or something. But thanks anyway."

"I agree. I want to make a quick phone call to my boys while they're still awake, and then I'll give you a ride back to the hotel," JJ said, turned to Alex. Alex was just about to open her mouth and object - who had decided that _JJ_ should give _her_ that ride? It wasn't like she didn't have a driver's license herself… but JJ still had the keys, she reminded herself, and closed her mouth again and nodded without saying anything.

The three men looked tensely at them as if they were mentally disarming a bomb and Alex had to smile. She didn't blame them, JJ and Alex were behaving as ridiculous as two fifteen-year-old girls with a beef, they really were.

"Ten minutes, I promise," JJ said in an even voice, as if she hadn't noticed the tension. Alex knew she had, but two could play that game.

"Sure, thank you. I'll wait by the car," she replied and felt rather than heard the sigh of relief from the rest of the team.

"I'll be right out," JJ said and almost smiled. She too had felt the sense of relief radiating from the male agents.

* * *

Ten minutes in the open parking lot felt more like twenty. Alex leaned against the SUV with her coat pulled tight. While it was still August, the wind was chilly and went straight through the thin fabric, and freezing always made her irritable. But she wasn't going to start anything, she reminded herself. Not this time. The last thing she wanted was a fight, or even just a quarrel; she just wanted to get back to the hotel and have a hot shower and go to bed.

"Sorry it took longer than expected," JJ said as she hurried across the area. "There was some confusion I had to sort out. Henry just heard about two men getting married and it confused him greatly because what did you call the husband's spouse if it wasn't a wife?"

Alex smiled.

"And what did you say?"

"I just told him that since the husband is a man, then two men are two husbands. And two women are wives. It's really not more complicated than that."

"How did he react to that?"

"He said; 'oh, okay. Mom, what holds the moon up in the sky?'"

Alex looked very serious.

"Really? Actually, I've always wondered about that myself."

JJ smiled and tilted her head to the side as she watched Alex.

"You would have made a great mother, you know that."

"No, I wouldn't. I'm too selfish. As you very well know," Alex clipped and climbed into the passenger's seat. "What?"

"No cigarettes?" JJ asked, almost in a joking way, when she stepped in behind the wheel.

"No, I gave those up almost eight years ago,", Alex replied, rubbing her hands together to get some warmth back into them.

"That is impressive. I remember you as a two-pack-a-day girl," JJ said.

"Aw come on, it wasn't two packs, it was _one_ ," she corrected JJ, but it probably _had_ been two packs a day by the time JJ entered her life. She had been on every legal synapses enhancer and stress reliever she could get her hands on. She had tried to cut down on the smoking when she was in JJ's company of course, but still… yes, she probably had been up to two packs. She shuddered at the thought. That was a whole lot of nicotine and tar.

"What I do remember is that you really enjoyed it, so why did you quit?"

Alex sighed.

"Because when you start every morning by coughing until you can't draw a full breath at all, it's beginning to get more frightening than pleasurable."

"It got that bad, huh?"

"It did," Alex said and glanced at JJ, feeling the same old attraction pulling at her and wanting to abandon all rational thought and mundane discussion topics and just lose herself in the younger woman's arms. Oh, damn it. This was never going to work out. She still had feelings for JJ, only that was an understatement. She was still in love with her.

JJ raised her eyebrows.

"So you just quit, cold turkey?"

"Yes. That's how I do things."

JJ's heart softened a little. Over the years she had forgotten how strong-willed and sometimes pigheaded her former lover was, and time had obviously not made this character trait any duller. As much as it had hurt JJ when it came down full force on her, for the first time she wondered if it was just the way Alex was.

"Are you still married to James?" she asked, the question seemed to come out of the blue. It definitely wasn't something she had planned on asking, and Alex obviously wasn't prepared for it either.

"Well… yeah. I am."

"Did you ever tell him… about us?"

"No. When he came home for a longer round, it was already over, and I saw no reason to bring it up. You see, James is… he's very practical by nature, and has… I don't know how to put it, he has rather shallow emotions. The waters don't run that deep with him. He wouldn't understand feelings that are so strong you cannot hold them back. He's predictable."

"He sounds a bit boring," JJ said without even thinking about how rude it sounded. Alex smiled sadly.

"Maybe he is, but he's stable."

"And you love him." JJ took great care not to sound disappointed.

"I think love is stretching it," Alex said. "But I care about him. And he's a good man, I don't think I can ask for more. And we're both comfortable living apart, so that works well, I don't think many couples can adjust to that kind of living arrangement over time."

"You're still living apart? Wow, I thought he'd only be on those assignments for a couple of years. Where is he now?"

"Liberia."

"Oh my God," JJ said.

"Yeah," Alex sighed and ran a hand through her hair. She tried not to think about it too much; but the news he gave her over the phone were alarming to say the least. The Ebola epidemic was raging like a wildfire and people dropped dead in the streets. There was nothing left of James's usual bragging 'look at me how brave I am'-tone in his voice when they talked on the phone. He wasn't afraid - Alex thought that deep in his heart James honestly believed he was immortal - but he _was_ shook-up, and that was highly unusual for this mellow, laidback man, which told her more about the severity of the epidemics than the news reports could.

"The bravery aside, doesn't it make you angry?" JJ asked after a moment of silence.

"What?"

"Your first day with the BAU and he's not there for you this time either?"

"Well… _I'm_ not at home, seems like a waste he should be there and wait for me when he can, you know, save lives…" Alex replied, but her voice sounded less and less confident as she kept speaking, and she leaned her head back and sighed. "Alright, fine. Yeah. It makes me angry. He's doing important work, but yes, it makes me angry that he cares so little about _me_." She was quiet and reconsidered her words. "No, it's making me sad."

"I'm sorry."

"Are you?"

She intended for it to sound venomous, but it came out sounding tired and feeble, and she was. She was tired of everything. She hadn't felt this worn-out since she was in the throes of that dark, helpless depression.

"Yes," JJ said without hesitation. "I'm sorry about this whole mess. I'm sorry what we had came to an end, I'm sorry your husband is an idiot-"

"I never said he's an idiot. I've _never_ said that, Jennifer," Alex felt compelled to point this out. "Distant and emotionally shallow, yes, I may even have said that he's boring, but I've never said he's an idiot."

"I'm sorry your husband wasn't there for you," JJ said in a softer voice, once more cursing how Alex could make her so emotional that she insulted a person she had never met. "And I'm sorry I wasn't enough to take his place."

"Jennie…" _Oh damn it, I said it again_ , Alex scolded herself, but JJ didn't seem to notice, or care, so she went on. "I'm honestly too tired to talk about this right now. Can we please revisit the topic tomorrow?"

"Fine." It wasn't fine at all. It had always been like this, hadn't it? If Alex didn't feel like talking, she wasn't going to talk. Some linguist. "But I want to know one thing."

"Okay."

JJ had parked the car and they were only a few steps away from the blessed anonymity of a large hotel with a quiet impersonal room and a bed with no commitments. Alex wanted to get out of the car as soon as she could, because she was afraid her willpower would crack and her façade would come crashing down. Oh, how she wanted to just pull JJ close and forget about the past decade altogether. Forget everything around them and make love the way they used to do, letting emotions, curiosity and pleasure lead the way.

"Was I just a cheap plaything that you grew tired of and threw away? If that is how you felt about me, I want you to come right out and say it. I'd rather hear you put it in words than stick to this passive-aggressive silent treatment, I guess you think it's diplomatic but it's hurting me, Alex. It always did hurt me. I feel dirty and discarded."

She took a deep breath; she hadn't intended for this to turn into a little speech, but when she looked at Alex, she saw that the older woman had tears in her eyes.

"I swear to God," she said in a low voice that wasn't completely steady, "that you were never a cheap plaything, I never grew tired of you and I never meant to hurt you or make you feel bad in any way. I can tell you that much." She reached out her hand, almost changed her mind, then went ahead. She gave JJ's shoulder a brief caress, so light it was like a breath of wind, and then she got out of the car. "We'll talk more tomorrow. Goodnight," she said quietly and started walking towards the entrance, all the while hearing David Rossi's words inside her mind;

 _So you_ want _to keep running away?_

 _No. I want somebody to_ stop _me, is that so hard to understand?!_

But nobody stopped her. So Alex Blake kept running away for yet a little while.

* * *

 **A/N**

I apologise that this update took so long, I had a bout of writer's block and then I couldn't get the scene to work - I still don't think it worked out, they felt cardboard to write this time because neither wanted to let me too close - and of course, the situation in the world right now has a bigger impact on my psyche than I want to admit. I'm scared about what's going on, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

But I won't let that get the best of me. I am going to love, play, celebrate, dream and trust more than I ever have before, because these people who hates DO NOT GET TO WIN. Not this time. And please, _please_ keep in mind that these terrorists, true to habit, have _hijacked_ Islam, they are a cult, not real Muslims. Let's not replay Germany in the 1930s. Hate has never worked out before, and it won't this time either. I don't pray to any God, but I do believe in love, respect, reason and order. Can we please show that we're better than these hateful cowards shooting down innocent people, and refrain from turning on each other, then we might have actually learned something from the past.

Also, on a lighter note, I feel like Garcia is probably secretly involved with Anonymous and doing all kinds of awesome stuff to stop terrorists. ;)


	9. Chapter 9

_DC, October (Halloween) 2004_

"Are you ready, ladies?" Agatha calls. "Check this out!"

JJ and Alex turn their heads to look as the other woman comes out from her room, wearing a clearly Pirates of the Caribbean-inspired dress, showing a lot of cleavage. And Agatha certainly has a lot to show in that aspect. JJ sighs.

"I've seen it three times already. It still looks awesome. I'm still jealous. Okay?"

"Uh, wow," Alex - who sees it for the first time - says as she absently keeps ruffling JJ's hair. "I hope you have a cardigan to go with it."

"Pirates don't wear cardigans, arrr!" Agatha replies, her eyes twinkling.

"You sound more Irish than pirate to me," Alex remarks.

"I _am_ Irish," Agatha says in her normal voice and grins. "Hey, Jen, how are you feeling?"

"Better," JJ replies without sitting up. Her head is resting on Alex's lap.

"Yeah, I bet," Agatha teases her. "Hey, Al, maybe you should get yourself a nurse outfit for this Halloween…"

"Goodbye Miss Christie, have a nice evening _somewhere else_ ," Alex says in that haughty teacher's voice that has JJ purring like a kitten every time she uses it. Agatha laughs and stops messing around.

"Don't worry about that, Al, I will," she says, steps over the mountain of shoes on the doormat - Alex's high-heeled black boots are somewhere in that pile too - and opens the door.

"Will you be back later?" Alex asks as she puts the thermometer in JJ's mouth. She and Agatha have developed a very comfortable relationship, half casual friends, half nagging mom/resigned adult daughter. It's no wonder; Alex has been spending more time at their place than she has at her own sterile showroom of a home for the past few weeks, and since miracles do happen sometimes, Agatha hasn't disapproved. Maybe because Alex isn't reluctant to help out when necessary, or because as much as she wants to be underneath JJ's clothes, she shows some basic respect when they have company. Or maybe because they simply click. Agatha is the only person in the world who gets away with calling Alex "Al", but to her surprise she realises that she actually likes it. It's like having a secret codename.

"Maybe, unless my treat wants to show some tricks back at his place after the party," Agatha says and wiggles her eyebrows. Alex sighs and rolls her eyes.

"Just be careful. Text Jennifer if you're not coming home, so we know you're okay."

"Yes, Cap'n, will do, arr!"

"Have fun and don't do anything I wouldn't do," Alex says and glances at the result on the thermometer. "Well, fever's down, so it's probably not the flu anyway, but I'm glad we decided not to be brave and go out."

JJ pouts a little, but nods. The other day they nearly got into a fight over taking their chances and go out for dinner and drinks somewhere; Alex wanted to stay in where they will be safe, JJ wanted to go out like any ordinary couple. Right before the argument got to the point where they'd start yelling at each other, Agatha stepped in and forced them to take reason. And the reasonable thing to do was to avoid any risk of gossip, so here they are. JJ with suspected strep throat.

"And what _will_ you two lovebirds spend the evening doing by the way? Ugh, no, I withdraw the question, I don't want to know."

JJ's face flushes an even deeper shade than the light fever can take credit for, but she giggles a little just the same.

"Shut up," she says and tosses a candy stick at her roommate, but Agatha, laughing, closes the door behind her before the stick hits its target. Still, Alex, who's a skilled shot, is amazed at how accurate JJ's aim is, even when she's down with a fever. Like a lot of things in life, she doesn't comment on it, but she does notice.

She strokes a coil of hair out of the younger woman's face.

"Do you want a drink?"

"You trust me with alcohol?" JJ grins. "Even after our first encounter outside of school?"

"Anyone can make a mistake," Alex says and involuntarily thinks about Amerithrax for the first time in several weeks. She clears her throat and tries to clear her head as well. "You're a grown woman, you make your own mistakes and own up to them."

"I actually don't think we have any booze in the house. Beer, yes, but I think Agatha brought the only booze with her."

"Jennifer Jareau, now you're insulting me. You think I'd come empty-handed to a Halloween party?" Alex says and gets up from the couch. "Just because I don't dress up like Jolly Roger's slutty wife doesn't mean I completely lack the Halloween spirit."

JJ is laughing so hard she's starting to cough.

"Sorry," Alex chuckles and gives her a quick pat on the shoulder.

"I'm gonna tell her you said that," JJ says as she gets herself back under control.

"No you won't," Alex replies over her shoulder. "And if you do, you won't get any drinks on me, that's for sure."

JJ is still laughing a little when Alex returns with two drinks.

"What is it?" she asks as she accepts one of the glasses.

"Just rum and Coke with a squeeze of lime."

"Not that I can taste anything anyway," JJ says and sips the drink, "but I'm sure it's good."

"You're under obligation to say so," Alex replies. "So, are we having a scary movie marathon and eating too much candy?"

"That's pretty much all I feel up to," JJ says.

"Good, because I don't feel like getting my cape and fangs on and go out and drink blood tonight," Alex jokes and leans in for a kiss. JJ puts a hand on her shoulder and shoves her back, to Alex's surprise.

"You probably shouldn't kiss me this weekend," JJ says, apologetically. "You're most likely going to catch this anyway, but I don't wanna make it inevitable."

Alex actually hates getting sick, and as a teacher she knows she's bound to catch at least one of those bugs going around every school year. One awful year she somehow managed to drag the usual fall semester head cold with her all the way into spring allergy season - only by then it had taken the route via chest cold to pneumonia. That was during her third year of teaching and it still holds the record for lousiest year when it comes to health. She knows her immune system is probably weak from all the stress she's been through lately and that she probably has the red carpet rolled out for all viruses and bacteria that comes her way…

… but Alex doesn't care. Alex kisses JJ anyway. And be it luck, or God finally deciding to grace her with some smooth running for a while, she won't catch it. Or any of the other bugs. The other professors - ironically, those at the language departments - will lose their voices at some point between Halloween and Christmas, but Alex won't even get the sniffles. She will even manage to dodge the 24-hour stomach flu that strikes in mid-January.

"Suit yourself," JJ says, but she looks pleased.

"That's precisely what I'm doing," Alex replies and kisses her again. "What are we going to watch?"

"Texas Chainsaw Massacre? If you can stomach it?" JJ adds, teasing her.

Alex thinks about some of the things she has seen in the field.

"Oh yeah, I can stomach it."

"Prove it." JJ doesn't believe her. For a brief moment Alex wonders if she should tell JJ about her other career, but decides against it. She doesn't want to mix the two, not even in her own mind.

"By all means, bring it on."

* * *

Several hours, three horror movies and many drinks later, JJ is asleep next to her on the couch. Alex switches over to the news channel and mutes the sound so she won't wake her sleepy lover. JJ probably needs all the rest she can get. The news features a story about one of the cases Alex worked a month ago, but this one isn't brought up as an example of FBI failures, and that's a relief.

She turns her gaze back to JJ and smiles. Hopefully she's coming out of that dark phase now, because it's finally starting to feel natural to smile again. She's just about to get up - somewhat unsteadily - and pour herself the last drink before calling it a night, when her cell phone buzzes. She picks it up quickly to keep the sound from waking Jennifer, and she has James's voice in her ear. She's more or less stuck between her husband and her lover, and the feeling is unpleasant to say the least.

"Hey," she says in a low voice, her eyes flickering to JJ for a moment.

"Hey," James says. "I tried calling you at home, but you weren't there. Out trick or treating?"

She searches for suspicion in his voice but there is nothing of that sort, not that she can detect. Why would there be? He trusts his wife; she has never cheated on him.

"Nah, having a movie night with a friend from Georgetown," she says. That is technically not a lie.

"Horror movies?"

"Of course. It _is_ Halloween."

"Are there any horror movies that actually scares you?"

"Nope."

"Are you drunk?"

"Pretty close to it."

He laughs.

"You have no idea how jealous I am, what I wouldn't give to lean back, put my feet up on the table and pour myself a big Glenlivet…"

"You are _not_ putting your feet up on the table if _I'm_ at home," Alex replies, but it comes automatically. She's looking at JJ again.

"Ah, my sweet, nagging wife, how I've missed thee," James says in a theatrical voice and takes a breath to keep talking, when somebody calls his name in the background. "Ah, shit, I've gotta go. I was hoping we could chat for a while longer tonight, but you know…"

"Yes, I know. Stuff to do and lives to save," Alex says, and sends a grateful thought to whoever needs James's help at the moment. "Talk to you another day. Take care of yourself."

"I love you."

She licks her lips, pondering the words and their meaning for a moment. Then she says the same words in return.

Unbeknownst to her, JJ is awake and watches her through eyes narrowed into mere slits. Her heart aches upon hearing those desirable words from Alex's mouth directed at someone else.

 _You say that you love him, and yet you're here with me. I wonder where this will lead. To a dead end, probably, but oh, I want to be the one you love. The_ only _one you love._

JJ decides to pretend she's still asleep so she won't have to speak to Alex about James. For a moment she feels a flame of pure hatred towards this man that she has never met, although she is aware that it's James that should be hating her. She never thought this would happen, but she realises that she's not just having a crush on Alex - she loves her. And that may prove to be a very hard thing to do.

* * *

 **A/N**

I am so sorry this update took so long; life has been busy, writer's block has been way too persistent, and I've had some health issues to try and sort out at that. So, I'm so behind my writing schedule I actually considered skipping this chapter (as it isn't important for the story as a whole) altogether so I'll be able to get the Christmas-chapter done in time for the actual holiday, but then I decided that NO, I wanted Agatha to show off her Halloween costume and by GOD I'll have her show off her Halloween costume!

Hopefully I'll be able to get the writing back on track enough so I won't be too off the Christmas mark now. :P


	10. Chapter 10

_Seattle, August, 2014_

While a hotel this big in central Seattle shouldn't be this quiet by midnight, Alex felt like she was the only one awake as she made her way through the corridors and let herself into her room. If you could even call her state of mind 'awake', that is. She turned on the lights, tossed her bag on the bed and kicked off her shoes.

 _Oh God I'm so tired I feel like I've taken a beating_ , she thought and wondered if she really had the energy to take a shower - that would mean standing up for several more minutes - but decided that she had to. She would definitely not feel up for it in the morning, that was one thing for sure, and she had to wash her hair. She sighed and began to peel off her clothes, stepping out of them as she went, leaving a trail of clothes behind her. She wasn't normally one to be untidy, but she simply didn't have the energy to care about that right now.

She got into the bathroom and turned on the shower, then did what she knew she shouldn't do when she was exhausted and emotionally fragile - she looked down at her body. She was in a good shape for approaching fifty, no doubt about that, but there were things exercise and good genes could do nothing about. Like scars. She had been shot twice, and miraculously the bullets had caused no serious harm, rendering her the Bureau nickname "Bulletproof Blake"… but they _had_ left scars. She had also been stabbed, or rather cut, by an unsub once, and the ragged scar climbed like a silvery snake from her hipbone almost all the way to her bellybutton. It looked worse than it had been; it had been a superficial wound, but it certainly wasn't pretty to look at. However, in wrestling the unsub, she had saved the lives of two children and their mother, so it was a small price to pay. Also, James had never been repulsed by this scar, which she supposed was a good thing. No, in fact, just saying he wasn't repulsed was selling him short; he called it her 'mark of bravery'. An intriguing thing to say to someone as much of a coward as she had turned out to be.

She stepped into the shower and leaned her forehead against the tiles, allowing the water to stream down her body, almost scorching it.

 _What am I getting myself into_? she asked herself, knowing perfectly well that her full attention should be directed at solving the case and not her personal relationships, but she was unable to stop her thoughts. She stood like that for several minutes before she could even raise her arms enough to rub shampoo into her hair.

After brushing her teeth and putting on the tank top and shorts that served as her pajamas, she staggered out of the bathroom and collapsed on the bed. She crawled up under the covers and looked at her cell phone. She had a message from James.

 _Hey honey, just a quick note. Things are chaotic, but I'm fine, so don't worry about me. Hope your first day at the new job went well. I'll call you tomorrow or the day after, depending on when/if things calm down a little. Love you. J._

She read the text a second time, almost started typing a reply, but then changed her mind. The way she felt right now, anything she wrote would either come across as moody or melancholic, and she didn't want to distract him either. Not when he was working in an undermanned, under-equipped, under- _everything_ , clinic with Ebola patients. A moment of distraction and it would be equal to signing his death sentence. Probably not, given how experienced he was, both as a doctor and with field work like that, but the risk was always present, and it was greater than it usually was. Better talk to him on his terms. Better for both of them.

With that decision, she rolled over and fell asleep almost immediately. This night she had definitely no need for sleeping pills.

* * *

JJ laid down in her bed and stared at the wall. She wondered where they were going from here, if there was anywhere to go at all. She didn't doubt that Alex was sincere, but the pain she had felt, the confusion and anger after the abrupt break-up, wanting nothing but to sort things out, only to realise the class had been reassigned to another professor… that had hurt her beyond words. For weeks afterwards she had waited for something to surface; a rumour, someone higher in the University hierarchy calling her, hell, in the darkest hour of the night she even imagined the cops knocking on her door, telling her they had to arrest her for sexual harassment or even raping her teacher. Never mind that everything they had done had been more than consensual, JJ was feeling more and more guilty and paranoid and probably would have snapped if it hadn't been for Agatha. Her roommate had cancelled dates to stay home and hold her while JJ cried Alex out of her heart, had been up endless nights while JJ went through all human emotions regarding Alex, everything from guilt and shame, to anger and disgust, to happiness and sadness, and right back to anger. Agatha had been the anchor JJ so desperately needed; she knew she might have done something stupid if her roommate hadn't held her back.

She turned over and wished she could push all those memories away. Maybe Alex hadn't seen her as a plaything, but she _had_ probably seen her as young and vulnerable. Only that didn't sit right with her; there had been no shortage of moments when JJ had felt like she, JJ, was the one leading the dance. Like there was something very fragile about the other woman, never mind that she had fifteen years worth of more life experience than JJ. Like there was something that she still kept hidden and refused to reveal, the way she had refused to reveal her work with the FBI.

 _I never meant to hurt you_ , Alex had said this evening as they parted, and as much as JJ wanted to scoff at it - the older woman certainly _had_ hurt her and should have understood that she would - she couldn't, because there had been more truth in Alex's eyes than could be acted. In fact, as pained as JJ had been over the years, for the first time she wondered if Alex hadn't been the one that hurt the most. The quiet, stoic linguist who would rather suffer in silence than revealing her weaknesses. But why?

JJ didn't know, but she was going to find that out before they parted ways again.

* * *

The next morning, JJ waited outside Alex's hotel room, with a cup of hot, strong, black coffee in her hand and a hopeful look on her face. When Alex opened the door and saw the other woman, she nearly retreated back into her room, but then remembered that she was supposed to be braver than that.

"Good morning," JJ said. Alex sighed.

"I thought we established years ago that's a self-contradiction."

"I know that, which is why I brought you some coffee," JJ said and handed over the cup. Alex accepted it gratefully and took a sip.

"Thank you. I needed that. How long have you been up?"

"A little over an hour. I took a quick run, showered and got you the coffee when I had breakfast."

Alex groaned and glanced at her watch.

"It's six am, Jennie, are you even _human_?"

JJ smiled. Oh, she had missed this. She didn't want to admit it, but she had.

"I'm the early bird?"

Alex returned the smile and drank some more coffee, ignoring the heartburn it awoke. She'd take something for it as soon as she had a moment to herself.

 _I slept so much better with you_ , she thought, and her body agreed eagerly. She had always been a rather restless sleeper, unless she was completely exhausted. In spite of the size of the bed she shared with James, she had accidentally kicked or pushed him out of bed more than once over the years. She could tease him about his foot twitching when he was asleep as much as she wanted, but in reality, she was the tosser and turner. But with JJ, she had slept well. Regardless of being the bigger spoon or the smaller, there was something about JJ that made her relax.

 _Had_ made her relax. She would probably never be able to relax around the younger woman again, and that was sad to think about.

"You promised me we'd talk today," JJ said.

"Can I wake up properly first?"

"You keep putting this off. You get till we get to the car, okay?"

"I thought you said you could go another ten years without talking to me."

"Please don't argue, I want to have a civil conversation."

"Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry," Alex quickly said as they stepped into the elevator. "I really am. It's just…" she trailed off and shrugged, feeling sheepish. "You know."

"Yeah, I know," JJ said and wondered if she dared touching the other woman. Back in the past she had been an expert at reading Alex's moods, but it had been long since. But Alex had been the one to touch her last night; just a brief squeeze of the shoulder, but she _had_ been the first to reach out. This time JJ did; merely tracing her fingertips down Alex's arm, and although there were at least two layers of fabric - blouse and blazer - between her fingertips and Alex's skin, it still seemed to ignite a spark that had never died. Oh God, she wanted to pin her to the wall and kiss her senseless. Alex glanced back at her and JJ held her breath, wondering if she felt the same. But the brunette said nothing, made no move. She merely looked away again.

JJ felt disappointed; she didn't understand how, but for a moment she had thought maybe there was still a chance for them... but apparently not. She withdrew her hand and sighed. This was so complicated. Alex was so complicated. Or, perhaps it was the two of them combined that was complicated.

Meanwhile, Alex stared at the elevator buttons and tried to keep her mind from wandering to that long-time fantasy she had, about having sex in an elevator.

 _Jesus Christ woman, you have a dirty mind_ , she told herself, but apparently her mind didn't care. It was always like this around Jennifer Jareau. Alex wanted everything with her; the passionate lovemaking, the romance, the cuddling, even the mundane moments like doing dishes together. She wanted it all, but she couldn't have any of it any longer.

 _It's my own damn fault, I was the one who walked away._

Yes. But that didn't make her regret it any less.

 _I'm standing less than two inches away from her, and I still miss her._

Alex almost - almost - reached out and pulled JJ close, but in the end, she managed to put a leash on her own impulses. For good and for bad, she still had that impulse control she was so proud of. Only it wasn't so much an impulse control as it was a highly concrete fear of being slapped in the face. God knew she had deserved it. So instead of giving in to their mutual attraction, they both kept the distance, only this time with much more effort.

* * *

This time, JJ had graciously handed the keys over and allowed Alex to drive, for which she was very grateful; she preferred to keep her mind occupied with something if she was going to talk about difficult things. As they pulled out of the parking lot of the hotel, JJ stared at her with a tiny smile.

"What?" Alex asked.

"What do you mean, what?"

"Just because I don't look at you doesn't mean I don't know _you're_ looking at _me_. I can feel it. Why are you smiling?"

"Because I can tell that you are really on edge, and yet you're not smoking. I _never_ thought you'd be able to give that up. I mean, sometimes you even got up in the middle of the night for a cigarette."

Alex chuckled.

"It's easier when you do it for yourself and not because someone is constantly poking you in the ribs, reminding you that cigarettes are bad."

"I never poked you in the ribs," JJ replied, but she too was chuckling a little.

"You kept reminding me they're bad for me though."

"They were!"

"And if you don't stop talking about it you're gonna make me crave one again," Alex warned her, but she was still smiling. Oh, the banter. She had missed that.

"I've missed you, Alex," JJ said in a quiet voice, almost as if she had read her former lover's mind. "I guess that doesn't fit with what I've said earlier… but I have. That's why I need to know what was really going on. Why you ended it and why you ended it the way that you did."

Alex bit her lip. How did she respond to that? Before she could gather her thoughts, JJ's cell phone rang.

"JJ. Where? Okay, we'll meet you there." She hung up and turned to her colleague. "A second body has been found."

Alex sucked in air through her teeth and shook her head.

"We're running out of time. If he's starting to get rid of them, he might be looking for new victims soon. Which of course might make him easier to find, but…"

She fell silent. JJ nodded.

"Yes. But."

Neither of them brought the topic of their own complicated relationship back up; both felt it was inappropriate at the time. But they both regretted that the chance had once more slipped between their fingers; the walls built between them were crumbling and they both wanted - almost reluctantly - to see what was on the other side.

"Where are we going?" Alex asked, and for a moment JJ thought she meant their relationship, but then she realised that it was somewhat more pragmatic than that. She gave her current colleague/former lover the address after a brief moment of consideration. As Alex turned the car around (and JJ had to admit that she probably was a better driver than JJ, at least in urban neighbourhoods), JJ looked at her from the side again, lingering a little too long at her mouth. She missed the kisses that mouth could give. And the bites. And the licks.

"I still know you're looking at me," Alex said, her voice slightly amused.

"How do you even know that?" JJ muttered. "I'm an FBI agent, I should be able to look at people without them noticing."

"Yeah, but I'm also a teacher, Jennie, teachers know when people look at them, and when they're not," Alex replied, trying not to grin and failing miserably. "With or without FBI education."

"About that," JJ said. "Why didn't you ever tell me you were with the FBI?"

 _Okay. This I can answer without ripping my heart out for public display._

"I knew you would be intrigued, and the last thing I wanted to talk about, even _think_ about, at that time, was the FBI. I was ready to hand in my notice and retire from the Bureau altogether, I really didn't want to talk about it, particularly with you. I didn't want to mix you, who was the good thing in my life, with the FBI, which was the bad."

"Oh." JJ winced a little. "Ironic, huh?"

"Yes, _that_ is ironic," Alex agreed and tapped her fingers against the steering wheel. "I'm sorry, maybe I should have been honest about it."

"There are a lot of things you should have been more honest about," JJ mumbled, but this time she didn't sound hostile.

"Yes, there are," Alex replied, and her words were followed by silence from them both. "So," she said in a businesslike tone after a few moments, "Case. What about the body?"

JJ sighed. Of course, this was progress, but she was tired of the ease with which Alex backed out of unpleasant talks. Even the _case_ seemed to work in Blake's favour in that aspect that news on it seemed to come in whenever JJ had her cornered, forcing them to drop everything.

"JJ?" Alex's voice was much softer. "I _swear_ we will talk this through. All night, if we have to. But right now we need to focus on the job. What did Hotch say about the body?"

"Do you really promise?"

"Yes. It's about time we put things to rest," Alex replied, and she could almost hear David Rossi agree with her.

"Okay," JJ said after a moment's pause, and proceeded to retell what Hotch had told her on the phone. About the time Blake was brought up to speed, they were at the dump site, and once more the chance of discussing things had come and gone.

* * *

 **A/N**

They're thawing, but it's not easy. Not to do and not to write. I hope it's not too difficult to read, though. ;)

Next chapter will be Christmas-y, so I hope I'll manage to get it done at least between now and New Year's Eve. :P


	11. Chapter 11

_DC, December, 2004_

It's the last day before Georgetown closes for the holidays. Alex has finished most of her paperwork already, because this is the last day she has with Jennifer before the younger woman leaves for Pennsylvania and her family. While she can't take her lover out in public, tonight they'll have a romantic dinner all by themselves. Agatha has already left to see her family, and JJ has the apartment to herself, which the two lovers will make good use of.

If they'll be able to wait, that is. This morning's linguistics class was a study in suppressed sexuality, and it was only the general holiday distraction that kept the rest of the class from noticing the game back and forth between the dignified professor and the wide-eyed scholarship student in the third row. The quick exchange of smouldering glances, the lip-licking, and of course the subtle non-sexual (but all-sexual) self-touching; a finger twirling a coil of light blonde hair, a hand very gently smoothing down the fabric of a somewhat revealing dress, fingertips gracing across a pursed lip… Jennifer Jareau and Alex Blake were practically making love right in the middle of the classroom, and nobody even noticed.

Alex feels a pleasant shiver running down her spine as she thinks about it. She isn't an exhibitionist by far, but as an _idea_ , it is exciting. The risk of getting caught adds some extra spice to it, that is one thing for sure. She recalls when she and James were just starting to date, and she had agreed to come home with him and celebrate Thanksgiving with his parents in Boston. Now, Mary Blake had probably decided that her son should marry a finer breed than a cop's daughter, so she had treated Alex with what could best be described as civil hostility. It didn't help that Alex and James had been unable to keep their hands to themselves - they were only in their early twenties and newly infatuated - and at some point repressed sexuality needs to seep out in some way. In their case, they had snuck out into the garage, between meals, only to be caught in the act by James's father. James senior had managed to keep a straight face as he turned around and left, but as soon as the door closed behind him, they could hear him burst out laughing, efficiently ruining the mood for the rest of the day.

Fifteen years later, Alex still blushes at the memory. As far as she knows, her mother-in-law never found out about that event, but nor had she ever thawed completely when it came to the woman her only son decided to marry.

 _Maybe she saw this was coming later down the line_ , Alex thinks as walks around the desk to pick up the heap of papers that had balanced close enough to the edge to finally decide it wasn't going to stay in place any longer. _Maybe she knew I would end up cheating on him. Maybe she was right; I was never the right woman for him._

"That's bullshit," she says out loud. "Everything was fine back then. When we stopped being right for each other, I don't know, but this wasn't something that was written in the stars, so shut up, Alex."

She sighs and picks up the papers. Then, instead of walking around her desk and return to her chair, she simply sits on the corner of her desk, looking up at the door just as it opens without a knock preceding it. JJ walks inside and looks at her - and the position she's in - with surprise.

"Wow. Just like in the pornos."

"First off, I'm actually wearing clothes," Alex says, her voice stern, her face anything but. She's smiling. Although she _is_ feeling a bit shocked at the other woman's choice of words. "And second, I don't even want to know why you immediately connected the scene to a porn flick," she finishes, and her eyes twinkle.

"I may have seen one or two of those," Jennifer admits in a pretend shy voice. "Have I been a bad girl? Do you need to spank me now, Doctor Blake?"

Alex chuckles at the cheesy acting, but even so, it stirs something inside her and she lets out a low throaty sound; it's too aggressive to be a purr, but it's too gentle to be an actual growl.

"Maybe I should," Alex says, gesturing at her to come closer, and JJ laughs and steps up to her, placing herself in between the older woman's slightly parted legs, and gives her a kiss.

"You're wearing a dress today," JJ says and runs a hand down the dark red velvety fabric. With the black boots and the long black cardigan Alex wears with it, it doesn't look too fancy or inappropriate to wear in a university classroom the day before Christmas break, but as of right now, the cardigan is thrown over the back of her chair and the dress reveals her toned arms and a bit of cleavage, and JJ can barely keep her hands off of her. Alex loves the attention, but attention isn't the main thing. It's the honesty in it. JJ looks like she wants to devour her, one lick at a time, and that she can't help herself.

"Very observant," Alex replies.

"Is it for me?"

"No."

"No?" JJ says, and she sounds a little disappointed.

"The dress is just the wrapping," Alex says, putting a hand behind JJ's neck and pulls her in for a kiss. "Your gift is inside."

"Oh," JJ mumbles against her lover's mouth. "I almost thought you had forgotten."

"Forgotten Christmas?" Alex says between kisses. "It's my favourite holiday."

"Do you mind if it 'comes' a little early this year, though?" Jennifer jokes and one of her hands is already exploring the world underneath the velvet skirt.

"Oh my, what's gotten you so worked up?"

"I think you know. Your little stunt in the classroom when you put both hands at the small of your back and took a deep breath, it's really not fair of you to show off your goods to the entire classroom."

"I think you were the only one looking, to be honest."

"You only know that because _you_ only looked at _me_ to see my reaction."

"I yawned, Jennifer, I wasn't trying to be provocative," Alex says, but this is a blatant lie. Well, a half-lie at least. She did yawn, and realised the moment before she did that a very deep inhale would show off her chest in the most flattering way. So she only did what came naturally - while angling her body slightly in JJ's direction. Alex isn't a particularly busty woman, but with the right bra and the right body movement she can look the part.

"Yes, you did, and you succeeded. You were very provocative. You're so hot," JJ murmurs and kisses her.

"Not in the office," Alex objects, but her body agrees very much to JJ's touch.

"Yes, you're hot in the office," JJ says. "You'd be hot on Antarctica, fighting the polar bears…"

"Polar bears live in the aahhh… Arctic," Alex gasps and somehow manages to ward off JJ's exploring hands. This is a moment when she would have great use for that stern teacher's voice, but she has lost the ability to sound stern altogether for the moment. She's breathless, giggly, almost purring with love.

"We can't do this in the office," she says, but she doesn't sound very convincing even to her own ears. JJ's big blue eyes challenge her and distract her to the point where she is very close to throwing caution to the wind and pull her student up against her… but Alex's job is still too important to her, and if anyone caught her doing this to a student, she would be kicked out before anyone could say 'inappropriate behaviour'.

"I know," JJ says and gives her a final, lingering kiss that seems to reverberates deep into Alex's bones. "It just seems like an eternity until tonight."

"Yeah," Alex agrees silently. She knows she could just as well invite JJ over to her place - James will come home this Christmas, but he won't be home for another three days yet - but she can't bring herself to make that suggestion. She can't touch and kiss and make love to someone else in her husband's home. She wouldn't call it morals, exactly - if she had morals, she wouldn't have ended up having an affair in the first place - but it is what's left of them at least.

"I'm going to make my grandma's famous eggnog," JJ says. She's glowing. The fact that she'll only have Alex for one more night before the other woman goes back to her marriage over the holidays - to act as if nothing's happened - seems to have been pushed far back in her mind, almost banished from conscious thought. Or perhaps it's the exact opposite; she's so well aware that this is their last night for at least a couple of weeks, that she's going to make the very most of it.

The two women's glances and little kisses have almost worn down their mutual defenses and Alex opens her mouth to tell JJ to hell with it, let's do a private porno right here on the desk, when there's a knock on the door. They stare at each other for a moment, like deer in headlights, before JJ pulls away from Alex as if the other woman suddenly got _too_ hot to touch. There is no way they can pretend they're just having a friendly chat - Alex's lipstick is smeared all over JJ's face, for one thing - and JJ makes the decision to hide in the only place she can fit; underneath Alex's desk.

"Chair," JJ hisses at her. "No way you can explain that dress while sitting on the desk, it shows way too much!" Alex knows she's right, and she quickly sits down on the chair and tries to get some paperwork up in front of her. JJ is sitting next to her on the floor, her breathing is hot against Alex's knee, and she thinks _oh God, the things we do_ … before calling out;

"Yes?"

"Doctor Blake?" a deeply masculine voice speaks from outside the door. Alex winces. It's Mr Dunning, the head of all the language departments… what the hell does he want? He's been ogling her for months, and not in a way she enjoys.

"Yes, Sir, come in," she says and pinches JJ's shoulder rather harshly to remind the younger woman to be very quiet.

"I was surprised to see anyone was still left; the rest of the staff certainly ran like the kids after last class," he said.

"Yes, well, I only have one more paper to grade and then I'll be off as well," Alex replies, just as JJ grows tired of being still and begins to trail her fingertips up Alex's thigh.

"You're a very dedicated employee," Mr Dunning says. He himself doesn't have a degree; the bosses rarely do. "I heard your husband is working overseas. I hope you won't be sitting alone on Christmas, Alex. You're more than welcome to join me and my children if that's the case."

"Doctor Blake", she corrects him swiftly, "thanks but no worries, my husband will be back well in time for Christmas Day."

"Oh, I was just trying to be friendly," he says. Someone else who's just trying to be friendly digs her fingernails into Alex's flesh a little too hard at the sound of his flirty remarks, and Alex gasps. When Mr Dunning gives her a funny look, she fakes the most fake smile she has ever faked, and nods.

"Of course, it's really kind of you, Sir, but I really need to finish this now so I can…"

JJ's wandering fingers are way beyond second base by now. Alex is grateful at least she's wearing underwear, although a flimsy red silk patch isn't exactly going to keep JJ the explorer from reaching her destination.

"Um… so I can… get off," Alex says and bites her tongue. Get off. What a phrasing to use.

"Is it hot in here?" Mr Dunning asks.

"No, why?" Alex has to use all her willpower to not move around in the chair, as JJ's touch is really starting to get her aroused.

"You look… flustered," he says, raising his eyebrows and, if she's not mistaken… leering.

 _Oh God, he thinks I'm attracted to him._

"I'm, uh…. I'm feeling a little… I might have a touch of fever or something," Alex says, knowing half the department is out with something or the other. Physically, she's never felt better. But she's starting to get serious about wanting to spank Jennifer Jareau.

"If you're not feeling well, would you like me to give you a ride home, Alex?" he asks. Suddenly the knight in shining armour, huh? Alex never liked Mr Dunning; she think's he's a jerk, particularly during the budget meetings.

"No!" she almost yells, as much to his offer as to JJ's incessant attentions. They both withdraw a little. JJ leans her chin on Alex's thigh and sighs quietly; there's a hot rush of air against her sensitive skin. Mr Dunning offers her a scornful glare.

"Suit yourself, then, Doctor Blake. Merry Christmas," he says, not sounding like he means it, and turns to leave. Alex tries to save what can be saved.

"I apologise if I sounded harsh, Mr Dunning, it's a very kind offer. But I only have this left to do, and I'm already very short on time with my errands this afternoon, so…"

"Of course."

"Merry Christmas, Sir," she says and holds her breath as he leaves her office… closes the door… and then she can hear his footfalls echoing down the corridor and fade away. Not until then she releases the breath she holds in. Her heart is pounding like crazy.

" _That was close_ ," she says and leans back in her chair, suddenly losing all strength to sit up straight. Jennifer peers at her like a naughty mole from underneath the desk.

"I'd like to put you on detention," Alex continues after taking a couple of deep, calming breaths. She closes her eyes and leans her head back, trying to will her racing pulse to calm down.

"What happened to the spanking?" JJ replies as she crawls out of her hiding place, and brushes some dust off her clothes. Alex opens one eye and glares at her.

"Well, you do deserve one, but I honestly don't believe in corporal punishment. Jokes aside, that was a very thoughtless thing of you to do."

"I'm sorry."

Yes, she was, Alex could tell. But sorry only goes so far when you're dealing with bosses, rules and regulations.

"You could have gotten both of us into bad trouble," she continues her scolding, but she's already warming up to the apologetic look on the young woman's face.

"I know. I'm sorry," JJ says, almost inaudibly.

"Okay," Alex says and smiles a little, against her own will. "Oh, come here," she says and reaches out a hand to pull her lover into her arms. "We were lucky this time, but let's never put things at risk like that again."

JJ shakes her head against Alex's shoulder and greedily inhales her perfume, almost as if she wants to fill her entire self with the other woman's scent. "Are we still good for tonight?" JJ whispers.

"Are you kidding?" Alex replies. "After this prelude, wild horses couldn't keep me away."

"Good. I'll better get going," JJ says, gives her yet another kiss and moves towards the door.

"Before you open that door," Alex says and nods to the box of Kleenex she keeps on her desk. "Clean your face. My lipstick really isn't your colour, especially not when smeared all over your face." She pauses and tilts her head a little. "And your neck."

JJ accepts the Kleenex and cleans herself up, but although she does feel properly chastened, she is also highly amused. Is she going to top this tonight? Oh you bet. She's not going to stop until the pretentious Doctor Blake has orgasmed so hard and so many times she's crying from exhaustion.

"Whatever is on your dirty mind, you'll get it twice in return, so don't look so smug," Alex suddenly says.

"Oh I wish, but by the time I'm done with you, I doubt you'll have the energy," JJ replies and tosses the makeup-smeared Kleenex at Alex. "Maybe if you quit smoking you'd have a better chance of keepin up."

"Or maybe if you quit starting ahead of the game you'd let _me_ show off for once," Alex retorts. "Hothead."

"Prude."

Alex laughs. "Get out before I change my mind about the spanking."

JJ makes the wise decision of vacating the office, but she's snickering all the way out of the building.

* * *

 **A/N**

Okay, so this got way longer than I expected, so I'll break this chapter off into two parts so I'm at least sure I'll get something done before New Year's. Next update will be a three-scene-thing; with Alex and JJ's romantic evening, then a glimpse at JJ's Christmas with the family, and a glimpse at Alex's Christmas with James.

This fic is getting so out of hand I can't even….! O_o

Okay, anyway. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!


	12. Chapter 12

_DC, December 22, 2004 (Christmas, continuation from last update)_

As she walks from her car to JJ's apartment - and she's careful to park around the block to avoid suspicion - Alex feels smirk playing on her lips.

 _Don_ _'_ _t start what you can_ _'_ _t finish, Jennie_ , she thinks. _I won't give you as much as a breather tonight, I feel like I could make love for days in a row._

She looks around one extra time before crossing the street, but it's empty. Snowflakes are dancing in the rays of the streetlights. She rings the doorbell and is met by JJ in a short black dress, with all her blonde hair draped over one shoulder. It makes her look older, more mature.

"Hello," she says, smiling. "You look cold."

"It's like two degrees out," Alex says as she takes off her gloves and shrugs out of her coat. "I'm freezing to death."

"Maybe this will warm you up," JJ says as she moves in and kisses Alex deeply, letting both arms snake around the older woman's waist. "Mm. Did it help?"

"Uh-huh," Alex replies and kisses her right back, knowing that this might turn into a making out session before she's even stepped out of her boots, but then the doorbell rings. Her eyes dart to the door in horror, but JJ doesn't look worried or even surprised.

"Take-out," she mouths and gently shoves Alex aside so she can answer the door.

"Take-out?" Alex repeats, sounding more sceptical than she intends to.

"I don't wanna ruin a romantic dinner with my cooking," JJ explains, grinning. Alex nods. She has a point; JJ can make mac n cheese, noodles, pizza and grilled cheese sandwiches without ruining it. Alex thinks the girl might get scurvy if Agatha didn't cook every other day. How JJ stays a size zero is beyond Alex's comprehension, as much as she works out between her carbs-and-dairy-stuffed meals.

JJ pays the delivery man and brings the food inside.

"Italian?" Alex says.

"I know you like the shellfish linguine," JJ replies, smiling. "Also, I got Italian wine, so it only seemed logical to get Italian food to go with it."

Alex laughs.

"Usually people pick out the wine _after_ deciding on the food," she remarks and places a swift kiss on the corner of JJ's mouth. "But you're right. I do like the shellfish linguine. And I do like Italian wine. It's sweet of you to remember that."

"Come here," JJ says and puts the food down on the table, that she has already set, complete with candles and everything. "I have to kiss you again right now or I'll die on the spot."

Alex, who's feeling something very similar, answers by pulling the other woman into her arms, kissing her desperately. She's much hungrier for Jennifer's touch and her kiss than she is for food, especially since they will be separated until after the holidays are over.

 _Oh God, I need you_ , she thinks. _I don't think I've ever needed another human being as much as I need you._

"When is your husband coming back?" JJ asks and regrets the words the moment they've left her mouth. _Oh great, I just_ had _to bring him up, didn't I?_

"Are you deliberately trying to ruin the mood?" Alex replies, then sighs and pulls back a little. "On Christmas Day. You will be safely back in Pennsylvania when he sets foot in DC, so don't worry."

"I'm not worrying," JJ says, but the look on her face reveals that she is. Alex raises an eyebrow and the other woman sighs. "Okay, maybe I am. About you forgetting about me once he's back."

"I would never forget about you," Alex replies, softly stroking JJ's cheek with the back of her hand. "I couldn't."

JJ looks her into the eyes briefly and then looks away in a manner unusually shy for her personality. Alex feels helpless; she can almost feel the walls building between them at the mention of James. She opens her mouth to say something, anything, just to break the silence, but before she can get a word out, JJ smiles.

"Let's eat before the food gets cold."

"Jennie…"

"No, you're right, we shouldn't ruin the mood. Not tonight."

There is still sadness in her eyes, but she fights it off valiantly before it turns into tears, and Alex admires her greatly for it. If she sees Jennifer cry, she's probably going to break down altogether herself.

"Could you get the wine? It's in the kitchen, on the counter," JJ says after clearing her throat to get her voice under control. Alex nods and is grateful for an excuse to leave the room for a moment. Her emotions are so raw and so close to the surface, so many emotions at that, it's going to be hard to handle.

 _No, I won't cry_ , she tells herself firmly and blinks away a couple of tears before they can escape her eyes and mess up her makeup. When she's certain she has gotten the wild horse of her emotions back into the harness that is her self-control, she grabs the bottle of wine and returns to the living room. Jennifer turns around and smiles at her, and Alex can't help herself. She puts the bottle down on something - she has no idea what, a bookshelf perhaps, it's not important - and reaches for her lover with both hands, as if she's drowning and Jennifer is the only safe port she's ever known. JJ allows herself to be pulled into the older woman's arms and responds to her kisses as if there is no tomorrow. And for their love affair, there might not be.

 _I love her_ , JJ thinks as the tip of Alex's tongue traces her upper lip, teasing her. _Oh God, I love her._

She has to mentally twist her arm to keep the declaration of love from spilling out of her; she has a feeling Alex's reaction won't be a thrilled one, and in the back of her mind she asks herself what this affair truly is to her professor. A reckless game, just a pastime, or is there more to it? She wants to believe the latter, but she's not sure. Alex's eyes, usually so expressive, sometimes glaze over and the windows to her soul turns into mirrors that reveals nothing of what's going on behind them.

"Let's go to bed," Alex murmurs against her mouth.

"Dinner's gonna get cold…"

"Then we'll heat it up. Come," Alex begs and takes JJ's hand, gently lacing their fingers together. This time it's her turn to guide the younger woman, and JJ has no objections; she follows her teacher to the bedroom and loses herself in her touch. Dinner may get cold, but their embrace is anything but, and as they're making love, the ghost of James leaves their minds and doesn't return for the reminder of the evening… or night.

 _I love her_ , Alex thinks as JJ comes from the touch of her fingers. _I can never tell her, but I do._

* * *

 _DC, Blake's residence, Christmas Eve 2004_

It's a good thing Alex isn't armed at home, otherwise she might have shot her own husband. She's busy decorating the tree and doesn't hear the key turn in the door. James, apparently so eager to see her he doesn't bother taking off his coat or shoes, sneaks up behind her. It's still one day early for him to arrive, so she doesn't expect him, doesn't have the slightest inkling that he's nearby (how's that for female intuition?), and when strong arms suddenly grab her around the waist, she screams out loud and reaches for a holster she's not wearing.

"Get the fuck off me!" she yells as she's swirling around, and James backs off with a sheepish, yet stupidly amused, look on his face and his hands in the air.

"Aww, that's what you tell your husband after he's been away for months?" he laughs. "Sorry I scared you."

"Jesus, James! Never sneak up on me like that!"

"Noted. I'm sorry. Now will you give me a kiss, or should I go outside and come back in again?"

She's angry with him - no, actually, she's furious - and she doesn't want to admit to herself that a great deal of that anger is relief. What if she had brought Jennifer here? What if she still would have been around? What if they had been decorating the tree together… possibly not fully dressed…?

She blushes fiercely and purses her lips.

"Aw come on Alex, I said I was sorry," James says and now he almost sounds whiny. Alex thinks about how typical that is for most men she knows; they do something thoughtless and hurtful, and then paint themselves as the victim if you don't forgive them right away.

The next moment she feels horribly ashamed for thinking like that. Who's hurting who here, anyway? _Oh God, James, we really messed up_ , she thinks and swallows her anger in one huge nauseating gulp.

"You scared me, that's all," she says in a much softer voice. "Sorry. Welcome home, o stranger from far away," she continues, finding her rhythm more and more with each word, and by the time she finishes the sentence, she's smiling. It's a weak smile, but it comes with the greatest of efforts, and he returns it.

"Come here," he says and holds out his arms, and Alex walks into his embrace and leans her head against his chest, and she falters. This is her husband, this is the man she chose to marry, and she loves him. She really does.

But does she love him _enough_?

She looks down at the floor and notices the puddle of melted snow around his shoes. It brings back a memory and she laughs out loud. James holds her away from his body and gives her a curious look.

"What's so funny?" he asks, and she nods at the puddle.

"Do you remember that skiing vacation we went on, on our first anniversary?"

"No!" James says with conviction. "I have never heard of it, it never happened."

Alex is still laughing.

"All the teasing you subjected me to because I fell in the easy slope and twisted my ankle."

"At least be fair now; I carried you back to the cabin like a true He-man."

"You used to work out then," she tosses back before continuing; "and the cabin roof was leaking, and I was on the couch telling you over and over to wipe up the puddle…"

"Shut up," he says, but he too is chuckling now.

"…and then you slipped in the puddle and twisted _your_ ankle."

"Knock it off, honey. By the way, you don't think I could still carry you?"

"I think you should mop up the puddle before you even try," Alex replies, snatches a candy stick from the tree and shoves it into his mouth when he opens it to protest. She pats him on the cheek and returns to the Christmas tree.

"Ah, it's good to be home where nobody pushes me around," James says with a healthy amount of sarcasm in his voice (and the candy stick still in his mouth), and goes to take his coat and shoes off and get that mop. Alex can't help smiling at how easy they got back into their respective roles. Maybe this Christmas won't be as hard to get through as she feared. As long as James doesn't notice the hicky JJ accidentally put on her inner thigh. It's not exactly a place where you'd usually get a bruise from just bumping into things.

She hangs the last of the ornaments in the tree just as James returns after putting the mop back. He smiles and holds out his arms.

"Let's try that one again. Honey, I'm home."

She gives him a kiss. It's far less passionate than the kisses she shared with Jennifer last night, but he doesn't know that.

"How was your day?"

"Oh, you know… things to do and lives to save."

"Not today, I bet. Unless you had to make an emergency stop and save some lives on your way from the airport," Alex replies and he chuckles and kisses her again, deeper than he has in at least a year, maybe longer. Her heart flutters and she closes her eyes and loses herself into the kiss.

When he lifts her up, she doesn't object. This is something JJ can't do; she can't make Alex feel like a girl, and as much as the FBI agent likes to be tough, as much as she was hardened by growing up with two brothers, there is still that streak of a wide-eyed Disney princess waiting for her prince in her, too.

"I'm going to carry you to bed and show you just how much I've missed you, Mrs Doctor Agent Blake," he says.

"Oh dear, you can't carry me all the way to bed," Alex squeaks.

"Watch me!"

She shrieks, half from terror and half from delight, as he proves he's good as his word.

* * *

"Why so melancholic?" James asks and rubs her shoulders.

 _Now he notices_ , she thinks and shakes her head.

"It's nothing."

"That time of the month?" he asks.

 _We just had sex, I think you would have noticed if it was,_ Alex thinks and shakes her head a second time.

"No, I'm just thinking."

"Well, would you mind thinking while lying down next to me?" he whispers. "I haven't touched you in months, it would be nice to hold you again, you know, pretend that we're actually married."

She relents and rolls over on the side, into his arms.

"I've been doing some thinking too," he says.

"Oh?"

"What would you say we give parenthood another shot?"

She is very still.

"You're not saying anything."

"No, James. We already talked this through, I still have the same opinion."

"Are you sure? You'll be thirty-nine in January…"

"I know how old I am, thank you."

"… all I'm saying is that this might be our last chance."

She turns around to face him.

"You talk like it's a career move," Alex says. "It's a little bit more to it than that."

"Of course, but what if we wake up one day and regret that we didn't try?"

Alex has no response to it, because she has been wondering the same thing herself. But she doesn't believe in having children because she might regret not having them one day, if she doesn't want them now. One thing her mother told her when she was much younger was "don't have children just because you want grandchildren. If you want children, you need to want _them_." It was almost as if Alex's mother had known her daughter would battle this question, and that she wouldn't be around to guide her.

"But you're sure?" James says. He doesn't mean to push her, she knows that, but she still feels pushed.

"Yes, I've already told you. I'm sure. If you so desperately want children, maybe you should marry another woman," she says, and to her horror she realises that she sounds like she's sulking. She gets back up into a sitting position again, crossing her arms across her naked breasts as if she's freezing.

"Calm down," James says. "I'm just making sure. I don't want to marry another woman. What is the matter with you, Alex? You've been acting weird all day."

Alex, on the verge of tears, says the first thing that comes to mind, and it's not even a lie;

"I miss my mom."

It's not _that_ odd a thing to say, given that Mrs Miller passed away just after the holidays which always makes Alex think of her more than usual around this time of year, and she does miss her mother more than usual this particular year. As the only girl in a family with three children, she had a special bond with her mother, they could talk about anything. Right now Alex wishes she could just break down and cry and hear her mother's soothing voice telling her everything would be alright. In reality, nothing will be alright, and Alex knows this just too well. The tears start to spill over and she makes a final, and failing, attempt to hold back the resulting sob.

"Oh, honey," James says and gives her a clumsy hug. He's utterly confused, she is never this emotional, not to mention cryptic. "It's going to be okay. Don't cry. Please, Alex, don't cry."

"Sorry," she says, sniffling and wiping her eyes. "It just…"

"You don't have to explain yourself," James says and gives her a quick kiss. It's obvious he has no idea how to handle her when she's acting like this; he's used to her being a composed and in control woman and not this emotional mess. In fact, Alex doesn't know how to handle _herself_ when she's acting like this either. It's a new for them both, and neither do a very good job of it.

"I'm sorry, James," she repeats quietly and hides her face in his shoulder.

"It's okay. Don't worry."

She knows that once she gets over this little crying fit, James will move on and chalk it up to either hormones or the holiday blues, or perhaps a combination. He'll be able to shrug it off and move on just noticing it as one of those weird incidents that there is no explanation for. Usually she'd feel like he doesn't take her feelings seriously, but this time she's grateful for his natural ignorance.

"Sweetheart, I think we need a scotch," James says after about a minute of silence, and kisses her in the back of her neck before he swings his legs over the edge of the bed.

"Good idea," Alex agrees and reaches for her blouse and panties. She's tired and confused and her inside is in turmoil, and the only thing she's absolutely sure of is that a scotch would taste wonderful.

"Honey?" James turns around in the door. "You're not still angry with me for sneaking up on you before, are you? That's not why you're acting like this?"

"No," she says and manages a smile. It feels rather natural, and his response is even more natural. Seeing him smile like that makes her heart feel warm and heavy in her chest, and instead of making things better, this only makes her feel more confused.

"Good. I have to admit it _was_ stupid to sneak up on an FBI agent. I'm glad you're not carrying your gun at home."

"Honestly, so am I," Alex replies and begins to button her blouse.

"Oh _God_ , I didn't need to know that," James mutters under his breath and disappears. Alex puts on her skirt and sighs.

 _I know, honey. There are a lot of things you don't need to know, and the question is if I should tell you either way. You should know. It should be your decision whether you want to stay or find something better._

But she won't tell him, and for the simplest of reasons there is.

She's afraid to.

* * *

 _Pennsylvania, early Christmas Day, 2004_

JJ is sitting on the couch in her parents' living room, holding a mug of hot chocolate in both hands and staring at the beautifully decorated Christmas tree. To an onlooker, she might look like she's contemplating the Christmas spirit, or that she's just getting ready for a long day of fun and food, but in reality, she's questioning herself and her decision to get into a love affair that has no chance of a happy ending.

"You're up early. Even for you," a soft voice speaks from the hallway. JJ looks up to see her mother, in a light blue bathrobe that makes her look almost like a ghost. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah. No. Well, yes."

"That's a very definite answer," Sandy replies softly and walks up to the couch. "Do you want to talk about it?"

JJ looks away, but nods.

"But I don't know if I could," she says as she puts the mug of soothing sweetness down on the table. Her mother reaches out a hand and rubs her shoulder, and JJ gives in to the familiar, comforting touch and crawls up into her mother's arms. She's not crying, but she's not far from it.

"Person, place or thing?" Sandy asks. It's what she always says when somebody needs to talk but don't know where to begin. It's always easier to break it down to pieces.

"Person," JJ whispers and rubs at her eyes. They're filled with tears, but not yet overflowing. "My professor."

"Ah," Sandy says. "This Doctor Blake that you've spoken of so much this semester, am I right?"

"You're scaring me a little, mom."

Sandy chuckles.

"I know, sweetie. What about her?"

"It's really complicated," JJ says and hides her face into her mother's bathrobe. It smells faintly of the same perfume Sandy has always used, along with some night lotion and shampoo, and all the familiar scents combined makes her feel safe and protected.

"I have a feeling you're not talking about classes or grades now," Sandy mumbles against her hair.

"No. I think I'm in love with her."

"And I think you're right about that," Sandy replies, her voice so soft it even rivals Alex's. "It's okay, Jennifer. You don't choose who's going to touch your heart."

"But why did it have to be her?" JJ replies, and by this point she _is_ crying. Quietly (if ever there was a pretty cryer, Jennifer Jareau was her) but she takes no comfort in this because the tears hurt just as much no matter how quiet they are or how aesthetic they look.

"I don't know, sweetie. Does she know how you feel about her?"

"It's… a bit more than just that," JJ replies and withdraws a little. Sandy reads her daughter like an open book, and she has to take great care not to lash out at the teacher leading her child astray like this, no matter how well she knows Jennifer can make her own decisions. Nobody, man or woman, should ever be responsible for the tears on her baby's face. But she manages to hold her own reaction back. Jennifer needs her, and she won't be of much use if she lets her own feelings get the best of her now.

"You have a relationship." It's not a question, but JJ nods anyway. "Is she already with someone? Is that why you're upset?"

"She's married, to a man."

"Has she promised you she'll leave him for you?" Sandy can't really keep back the Mama Bear persona there, but JJ gives her a brief smile. It's a pained smile, but at least it's a smile, and it's strangely amused in all its despair.

"No. She's never given me any promises of any kind."

Sandy releases a breath of relief. At least this Doctor Blake seems to have some sense of dignity in spite of all things. Sandy is a smalltown girl who never made it out of the smalltown, but she's not stupid and she's not narrow-minded. She knows that sometimes you have to crash hard to learn how high your wings can carry you, and sometimes you need a no-strings-attached love affair with someone you can't actually have to learn where love can take you - and where it can't. She can't claim to be surprised that Jennifer has turned her eye towards women; those signs were there since the girl was in elementary school. By the time she reached High School it was pretty clear to both Sandy and Frank that their daughter liked both guys and gals, but it never seemed to be a problem.

It still isn't. Heartache is part of life, and not even Miss America herself is immune to a couple of love stories gone wrong. Sandy knows she could (and probably should) turn on this professor who seduced her innocent daughter, but she can't be entirely sure JJ is the innocent part here either. Oh, sure, she looks like the most innocent girl you can find, but Sandy knows that if JJ finds something she wants, she won't stop until she gets it. Smalltown girl complex and initial shyness be damned. Doctor Blake might actually be the one in the deepest peril here.

"Where are you going from here?" Sandy asks her only still living daughter as the sun hesitantly peeks above the horizon. The floorboards upstairs creak as Frank gets out of bed and heads for the bathroom.

"I don't know."

"Are you sure?"

"I only know that I want to be with her as long as I can. I know it won't be forever, but… I don't want to back off yet."

"Then you're sure. Just… don't let her hurt you."

That is an impossible thing to ask, she knows it, and JJ picks up her hot chocolate again, almost as if shielding herself. Sandy strokes her daughter's shiny hair.

"Don't let her hurt you more than necessary."

JJ smiles weakly. That much she thinks she can promise.

"I won't."

"Merry Christmas, baby."

"Merry Christmas, mom."

* * *

 **A/N**

Yeah, that was long overdue. I really apologise. I got stuck, and then things happened in real life, and I had a down period where I felt like I couldn't write or do anything at all… bah, useless.

And once I got back into writing, I didn't like the result, and I still don't, not really, so I seriously apologise about this chapter. At least it's not stalled? :P


	13. Chapter 13

_Seattle, August 2014_

Hotch met the two female agents as they stepped out of the car at the dump site. He looked even more serious than usual.

"This is bad," he said. JJ frowned - she knew how little inclined to exaggerations he was and knew that if _he_ said it was bad, it really was - but Alex, who didn't know this, merely put on the protective gloves and asked;

"Where's the body?"

" _How_ bad?" JJ asked Hotch, ignoring Alex altogether.

"Bad," he replied and pointed to a wooden area. Alex walked off, certain she would be in the clear; she had seen dead bodies countless times before, and she had only had coffee for breakfast at that.

Still, she wasn't prepared for the stench that belched out from the plastic wrapping when she peeled it away to have a look.

"Oh my God," she said in a half-choked voice and pressed the back of her hand against her mouth while turning away for a few seconds to regain control. JJ, who was right behind her, took an involuntary step back and looked like she had bitten into a lemon.

The body was badly decomposed, almost liquefied, and it was impossible to tell what injuries it had sustained. The autopsy might be able to tell, but Alex certainly wasn't. She winced and shook her head.

"Hotch isn't one for big words, is he?" she asked.

"No," JJ said and moved forward to get a closer look. She put one hand on Alex's shoulder, and while Alex wasn't sure if it was to offer support or just to steady herself, or possibly a bit of both, she allowed herself a brief moment to relish it before going back into agent mode.

"JJ, were any of the abductees married or engaged?"

JJ thought about it for a few seconds.

"No. One was single, and two had boyfriends, one steady and one on-again-off-again relationship, but no marriage or engagements. Why?"

"Because she is wearing a wedding band," Alex said, pointing to something shiny among the remains.

They looked at each other.

"Is there another victim we don't know about?" JJ said.

" _Or_ is this the hypothetical wife and mother?" Alex replied. JJ nodded slowly and straightened up. As she did, she removed her hand from Alex's shoulder, which the older woman was disappointed about but wouldn't admit.

JJ was just about to call for Hotch when he came over by himself, talking on his cell phone. He hung up just as he reached them.

"A patrol car picked up a badly abused woman a few miles away. They have identified her as Sarah Smith, the latest abductee. They've taken her to the hospital. Blake, I want you and Dave to go over there and see if you can talk to her, try to find out as much as possible, but most important where she was held."

Alex nodded, and as she headed back to the cars where Rossi waited, she gave JJ a brief glance. JJ returned it, but the hand that had rested so comfortably on Alex's shoulder just a few moments ago was now busy twirling her own wedding band, as if she tried to remind herself to whom she belonged.

 _But you were mine first, and I want you back,_ Alex thought and was horrified over how possessive she felt. Like she had a right to feel that way.

* * *

"She refuses to talk to any man, including doctors," the nurse said apologetically to Rossi. "You could at least try," she continued, turned to Alex, "but don't expect too much. She's badly hurt and she's terrified."

 _Great_ , Alex thought. _I'm not really the type of person people choose to open up to, and she's the best chance we've got at finding this guy. What if I screw this up? It'll be Amerithrax all over again. Agent Fuckup. Bye BAU, hello desk job in field office in Utah or something._

As if he could read her mind, or at least her mood, Rossi said;

"If she won't, or can't, talk, she won't. There's nothing anyone can do about that. Just do your best. And remember that you have an advantage."

"That I'm a woman?" Alex said. "I don't think that's enough to establish trust at this point…"

"You're an _older_ woman," he pointed out. "Probably around her mother's age. That might calm her."

"Except I'm not really the motherly type," Alex muttered, but knew she couldn't put this off any longer. Every minute counted. Suddenly inspired, she shrugged out of her jacket and handed it over to Rossi.

"Looks less formal," she explained. He nodded and suppressed a smile. Agent Blake got the hang of it quickly.

* * *

The young woman - barely more than a girl, really - in the hospital bed was covered in bruises and her glazed, heavy-lidded eyes told Alex she was doped up on a lot of painkillers. Hopefully they helped, but Alex had been pretty beaten up a couple of times in her career (not to mention after a few reckless childhood adventures) and she knew it usually still hurt. You just didn't care as much about the pain when you were semi-high.

"Hello Sarah," she said, keeping her voice as soft as possible. "My name's Alex, I'm with the FBI. We're going to find the man who did this to you."

Sarah gave Alex an empty stare and said nothing. Alex decided that was at least better than being told to leave. She pointed to the visitor's chair.

"May I sit down?"

"Sure," Sarah replied in a raspy, slightly slurred voice. "But I can't help you."

"You'd be surprised to know how much the smallest detail might help," Alex said. "You can start by telling me what happened before you were picked up by the patrol car?"

"I ran," Sarah said, sounding as if she thought Alex was a complete idiot. "He forgot to lock the door."

"The door? You were held in a house?"

"Yes. No. More like a cabin."

"Okay. When you got out, what did the surroundings look like?"

"It… I don't know. Woods. Trees. I just ran, I thought at least I'd be able to hide in the woods if he came back, but he didn't so I just kept going, it felt like forever and I fell and I got up and I kept running and the woods just never ended…!"

"But they did. And you're safe now," Alex said soothingly. "You're doing great, Sarah."

"I don't really know more until I got out on a road and kept running, and then I met a police car and stopped it, and…"

"Okay, easy," Alex said. "Rewind a little; back at the cabin. Did you see anything that might indicate where it was? Anything at all?"

"No," Sarah said and began to cry. "I'm sorry, I just… it's all a blur and everything hurts and…"

"Alright," Alex said and stood. "I'll let you rest."

"There was one thing I noticed," Sarah said, just as Alex reached the door. "I don't know if it helps or not."

"What was it?"

"There was a canoe. On blocks, like it was being worked on or something."

Alex nodded.

"That helps a lot."

She picked up her phone and called Hotch.

"She was held in a cabin, and there was a canoe on the property so it's probably in the immediate vicinity of a lake, but that's about all she could tell me. She's heavily medicated and I think she has dissociated from much of the events."

"Okay. Good job. I'll tell our tech analyst to check for lakes and the owners of property around those, and we'll meet back at the station."

When Alex hung up, she was so focused on her own thoughts that she bumped into a woman in the corridor.

"Excuse me," she said, and the woman turned around. Dark blue eyes stared into hers and she wasn't sure who was more surprised. They regarded each other for a moment before the other woman spoke.

"Hello, Doctor Blake. It's been a while. Do you remember me?"

Alex had to swallow before she could speak.

"Hello, Agatha."

* * *

"Are you aware that Jen is in Seattle too?" was Agatha's next question, and she fired it off as if Alex was on trial.

"We're working together," Alex replied and looked around for Rossi. Agatha's sharp glare made her feel tiny and insignificant, like an insect. It was the same glare she had been subjected to ten years ago, the last time they met.

"I'm surprised she can stand being around you after the way you treated her," Agatha said, but she didn't sound too hostile. Only critical.

"I'm not _proud_ of what I did, if that's what you think," Alex said.

"I hope not, if you were, I'd have even less respect for you. I suppose you had your reasons…" she shrugged, "the husband, for example. But it's cowardice to not even stand up for your actions."

"I know."

"I know you know. But do you _realise_ how much your actions hurt several people?"

"I was hurt too," Alex said quietly.

"You were included in those 'several'," Agatha said. "I understand if you had to break it off, but the way you did it…" she shook her head. "Not very mature."

"No, it wasn't," Alex agreed.

"I'm glad you realise that much, at least. I really want to say it's nice to see you, but I'm not entirely sure about that."

At that moment Rossi came up to them. As if this was her cue, Agatha walked off.

"Who was that?" he asked. Alex bit her lip and tried to regain her composure.

"Someone I knew a long time ago. Not important to the case."

"Could Sarah tell you anything?"

"Yes, I hope it can lead us to where she was held captive. I'll bring you up to speed in the car, Hotch wants us back at the station, so we'd better get going," she said and brushed past him. Rossi looked after her for a few seconds and then said;

"Alex? The exit is that way."

He pointed in the opposite direction. Alex turned around.

"Yeah. Right. I knew that."

Rossi wondered what had gotten Blake so distracted; he was certain it had to do with the redhead she had been speaking to, but she didn't seem willing to let him in on it, so he decided to let it slide and just followed her back out to the car.

* * *

 **A/N**

Hello… *waves sheepishly* I'm sorry for taking a hundred years to get this story updated. I was put off by how case heavy this chapter was and just couldn't seem to get it together, so I shoved it aside and did a lot of other (*cough*easier*cough*) stuff instead. I'm not overly pleased with the result of this chapter until the ending either, but at least the project is on the road again. :)


	14. Chapter 14

_DC, April 2005_

Alex is staring at the crossword puzzle in front of her without really seeing it. She's tired and grouchy; she didn't sleep well last night, like so many nights lately, and her eyes feel dry and itchy due to the past few days of balmy spring weather. She hasn't gotten around to pick up any allergy medication yet, and for the same reason she won't let JJ find out about the other pills she takes (particularly the antidepressants), she doesn't want to let the younger woman know about this either. It's stupid, she knows it is - who _isn't_ allergic nowadays? - but to her it feels like admitting to yet another flaw. To make matters even worse, she's also twitchy and irritable since she hasn't smoked in five _full hours_ and thinks she's going to lose her mind if she can't have a cigarette soon.

JJ is busy playing a game on her phone, and the electronic noises annoys Alex even further. She drops the pen and rubs her eyes furiously with both hands.

"Could you just _stop_ that?" she snaps.

"Okay…" JJ says, and she sounds a bit apprehensive. It's not like Alex to snap at her, but after Christmas there _has_ been a change in atmosphere. JJ suspects it has something to do with Alex's husband being home over the holidays, but Alex hasn't brought it up for conversation, and JJ doesn't want to ask and risk having to actually hear anything about him. At one point things were so tense between the two women for no apparent reason that JJ almost called her mother to ask for advice, but decided that she would ask Alex flat out what was the problem instead. Then, before she could gather the courage to, Alex seemed to pick herself up from whatever mood she was in and everything was fine again. Until now.

JJ wraps up the game and glances over at her lover, who has finally managed to stop rubbing at her eyes, but not removing her hands from them. JJ watches her for a while, waiting for her to elaborate on why she's being so testy, but for once the older woman doesn't even seem to sense that she's being watched. So JJ tries another approach.

"Hey, the weather is really nice today."

Alex only grunts in response, but JJ doesn't let that discourage her.

"Come on, let's go to the park. We can't stay in here hiding forever."

"Fine," Alex replies and brings her hands down from her face. "But no public affections whatsoever. We can't afford any rumours, especially not after that afternoon in my office this winter. If we're _ever_ that close to being caught again..."

"I know," JJ says, and she can't help feeling a bit offended. "You don't think very highly of me, do you?"

Alex startles at the venom dripping off her words, and stares back at JJ.

"Where did that come from?"

JJ doesn't budge. Her youthful face looks much older and cynic in the lamplight.

"You talk like I can't even think for myself, that doesn't exactly give off the impression that you think highly of me," she says, and Alex winces. JJ nearly backs off, particularly when she takes a closer look at Alex's face - she looks like she's in actual discomfort, but then decides that at some point, Alex Blake needs to be clear on where Jennifer Jareau stands. So she doesn't avert her eyes first. Alex does.

"Perhaps I don't think very highly of _myself_ ," Alex mumbles, and if there was fight in her tone before, it's gone now.

There is an awkward silence for a few seconds before JJ picks up the thread.

"Come on. Just a stroll, we don't even have to stop, just walk straight through the park and then go back. Please? I need to get some fresh air anyway."

Alex isn't so sure her allergies agree, but suddenly nothing in the world is more important than going to the damn park with Jennifer. Besides, that gives her an opportunity to see to her nicotine addiction. She gets up from the chair and shoves the crossword puzzle aside.

"Alright. Let's go."

But JJ remains in the same spot.

"What is it now?" Alex asks, only narrowly avoiding to snap again. The younger woman moves in slowly, cups her hands around Alex's face, and gives her a long, slow, breathtaking kiss.

"If we can't touch out there, then I needed that to last the entire while," JJ whispers as she pulls back. She smiles at the dazed expression Alex sports. "Now we can go."

Alex nods, feeling just as dazed as she looks.

* * *

When they reach the park, Alex is well into her second coffin nail, and finally feels something akin to peace coming over her nerves. She inhales the smoke deeply and regrets it as she's hacking it out in a series of mostly held back coughs. JJ shoots her a disapproving glare, and Alex sighs.

 _Oh great, here comes the lecture. Why Smoking Is Bad For You._

"Are you okay?" JJ asks, sounding as if she'd like to add 'if not, you have no one but yourself to blame' but is too polite to.

"It's not the cigarette, it's _allergies_ ," Alex replies, conveniently abandoning her resolve not to admit to them. Rather than being chastened for a bad habit, she prefers to blame matters on something she can't be expected to control. JJ gives her a half-amused, half-sceptic smile.

"Really."

"As a matter of fact, yes."

"Why didn't you say so when we passed a drugstore? We could have gotten you something for it in two minutes."

 _Hooray, more drugs_ , Alex thinks, but she is actually asking herself the same question right now. However, she doesn't want to admit that she's even suffering at all in the first place, so she waves it off as unimportant, even though her eyes are bothering her so much she wants to claw at them.

"Never mind. I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" JJ touches her shoulder ever so gently in genuine concern, and Alex imagines - it's _probably_ just her imagination - that several people notice it and interpret it as far less innocent than it is.

"Don't touch me," she hisses between her teeth. JJ withdraws her hand and looks hurt, but holds back the retort with a heroic effort. Alex really tries to stop her paranoia from getting the best of her, and she tries even harder to soften her voice, but she fails on both accounts and the words come out sounding harsh and impatient.

" _Yes_ , I'm sure. I'm _fine_."

JJ is just about to say something snarky about how there is no need for Alex to bite her head off for showing concern, which would probably end up starting an actual fight, when Alex turns away from her and sneezes. Now, she has never been one of those women who can strangle their sneezes into dainty little squeaks - if she tried, she fears her head would explode - and this is certainly no exception. It nearly frightens the life out of a poor duck at the pond, and while Alex doesn't understand bird language she's pretty sure it's yelling profanities at her as it flies off. JJ laughs out loud, Alex joins in, and just like that, the tension is gone.

" _Now_ people stare at us, if that was what you were worried about," JJ informs her lover. Alex shakes her head and takes a final drag on the cigarette before putting it out.

"Well that was embarrassing," she says, but she smiles. She can't help it. "Poor duck. Are we done outing ourselves now, so I can go inside and maybe spare the wildlife further heart attacks? "

JJ smiles. Alex, with her dry sense of humour, is back, and the irritable woman snapping over nothing is gone.

"Sure. But we're stopping by the drugstore on our way back, just so you know."

Alex sighs and raises both hands in a gesture of surrender, but she does so in a joking manner.

"Okay, fine."

* * *

"You could have said something, you know," JJ says a while later, when they're back home, sitting on the couch, watching some ridiculous comedy on TV, drinking tea. "I wondered all day what I had done wrong and then it turns out you were just pissy because you're allergic."

"Pissy?" Alex says. "Please make some effort with your language, remember that I'm your linguistics professor."

"I actually tend to forget that," JJ admits, and Alex looks at her, amused.

"You're really not planning on going into that field of expertise after school, are you?" she teases.

"Nope," JJ replies.

"Now you're doing it on purpose."

"Yup."

"You're not funny."

"Yep."

Alex playfully pushes JJ over, but JJ reaches out and drags the older woman down onto her as she falls backwards on the couch, and puts her arms and legs around Alex to hold her in place, although her prisoner certainly doesn't protest.

"I'd rather speak body language," JJ murmurs and places a kiss on Alex's mouth. "I think I'm pretty fluent in it."

"Mmm, indeed you are," Alex replies and returns the kiss while JJ's hands sneak in underneath her jeans. "Oh God, I love when you touch me like that," she exhales, and the exhale turns into a drawn-out moan as JJ keeps touching her. If there is one thing that really gets JJ's blood hot, it's hearing Alex make that sound.

"No, don't stop," Alex begs when JJ pulls her hands out of her jeans again.

"Let's go to bed," JJ says. "I'm not sure where Agatha is or when she comes back home, but I'd rather not be caught doing the deed on the living room furniture."

"We've done it on the couch twice before," Alex objects. "Not to mention the kitchen table, although I'm not doing _that_ again."

"Yes, but that was when she visited her parents over the weekend," JJ reminds her and pulls herself up in a sitting position. Alex reluctantly does the same. JJ is right. Agatha is fully aware of their relationship, but it would be a bit too much for her to walk in on them in her own, though shared, living room.

"Okay, bed it is," she says and impatiently takes JJ's hand. "Come on sweetie, I'm _so horny_."

Alex, for all her language skills, isn't usually that straightforward with her words, and it gets JJ even hotter as she gets up and follows her lover into the bedroom.

* * *

"That was incredible," JJ says some time later, but Alex doesn't reply, not even with a content sigh. The sleepless nights, the stress, the allergic reaction (not to mention the deceitful 'non-drowsy' pills she took for it) and now the exercise between the sheets have all taken their toll on her and she is fast asleep. JJ gives her an affectionate glance and snuggles closer.

"I love you," she whispers. It's the first time she says it, but Alex doesn't hear it. Perhaps things would have turned out in a different way if she had.

* * *

 _A week later_

Alex runs into Agatha in the doorway when she comes over this Saturday evening. The redhead is dressed up and ready to go out, from the looks of it.

"You finally had enough of Jennie's preference for mac and cheese?" Alex makes an educated guess. Agatha laughs and points at her.

"Spot on, Al. You're more like a detective than a teacher."

 _Tell that to the media_ , Alex thinks. While the initial buzz over the Amerithrax case has worn off by now, there were a couple of articles around New Year's concluding the biggest failures of the past year, and sure enough, the case was mentioned, and of course, so was she. Some articles stated particularly venomous opinions on the inexperienced and unsuitable agent being in charge, some pointing out that she was a woman and that her mistake was proof that women have no business being with the Bureau. It was humiliating and she was terrified that JJ or Agatha would stumble over the articles, but they have seemed oblivious all along and in April she has to consider the danger being over.

"Seriously, though," Agatha continues and interrupts Alex's thoughts before they can get her too far down, "My friend with benefits - and believe me, there are some very lovely benefits - "

Alex rolls her eyes.

"On topic, please."

Agatha grins.

"He happens to have the apartment to himself tonight - roommates are away - so we're going to have a perfectly lovely evening, with benefits and all, and I bet so will you and Jen. Bye!"

She leaves just as Jennifer comes out into the hallway.

"I'm pretty sure she ran off because she knew I was going to make mac and cheese for dinner," she states in a mock hurt voice. Alex groans.

"Frankly, I don't understand how you can stomach so much dairy and pasta on an everyday basis; I would gulp down Pepto-Bismol like there's no tomorrow if I tried."

"Suddenly everyone's a food critic," JJ replies, but her tone is light.

"If you want to call mac and cheese food…" Alex says. "Well, lucky for you I stopped by at the grocery store on my way here, so back away from the stove and let me do the cooking."

"You don't have to…"

"Yes, I do, and don't argue with me, I haven't eaten since noon and my blood sugar is at an all-time low. If you want to make yourself useful, cork up the wine and pour us a glass. Then you can go sit over there" - she points to the counter - "and watch the Maestra at work."

"I thought it was Maestro," JJ says.

"I used the feminine form of the word."

"I keep forgetting that you're a linguist."

"And I keep wondering how you keep forgetting that," Alex says and taps her fingernails against the bottle. "Wine," she demands. "And we're not drinking it out of coffee mugs like we did last weekend."

"You're such a snob," JJ mutters and kisses Alex on the cheek when she squeezes past her to get the proper wine glasses from the cabinet. Alex just smiles and doesn't reply.

When JJ hands her one of the glasses, Alex takes a long sip and then put the glass down and steadies herself against the counter.

"Whoa, that went straight to my head," she giggles. JJ doesn't think she's ever heard Alex _giggle_ before, and she finds it adorable. She wraps her arms around Alex's waist and pulls her in, kissing her deeply. Alex responds to the kiss for a couple of seconds, then she breaks free and pats JJ on the hip.

"Not now sweetie, I'm too hungry and you're too distracting, the combination is killing me. Go sit over there."

JJ obediently does as she's being told, and she enjoys watching the way Alex prepares the vegetables and the shellfish into what looks and smells like a delicious meal. Every movement of her hands is fleeting and elegant, strangely erotic, almost like watching a talented dancer swirling across the floor.

"You have very beautiful hands," JJ suddenly blurts out. Alex blushes. "No, you do," JJ insists.

"Age tends to show on the hands first," Alex replies without looking up from what she's doing. "That's why women in the past usually started wearing gloves around middle age."

"Gee, that was a compliment, not a hidden insult. Just say thank you, and let it go," JJ sighs and sips her wine. Alex turns towards her and smiles.

"Alright. Thank you."

But letting it go is harder. She's acutely aware of the fifteen-year age difference. JJ is just starting out life as an adult, and she really doesn't need all the complications a relationship with someone that much older will bring. Besides, JJ is probably going to want children soon, and there's nothing wrong with that, that's how it should be, but even if Alex was interested in having children - which she isn't - she can't do that and still keep this a secret. Divorce, rumours, likely a loss of her job, it's all part of that package and she has promised herself she is not going down that route. She has consistently lied to herself that this decision is made in _JJ's_ best interest - and she has made that decision without even once speaking to JJ about it - and is honestly unaware that it's less about JJ's best interests and more about herself and her insecurities.

Right when she's in the whirlwind of these thoughts is when JJ says it. Almost as an off-hand comment, out of the blue.

"I love you."

Those are powerful words, perhaps even more so to a linguist, and definitely more so to this particular linguist. She herself has said it less than a dozen times in her entire life, and she remembers each and every one of those occasions. She can't say it in return now. If she does, she seals this relationship, and she can't do that. So she pretends she doesn't hear over the noise from the frying pan, but she's holding her breath to see if JJ is going to repeat the words, or in any way show that she expects an answer. But JJ doesn't. Alex keeps her back turned to her, keeping her eyes closed while she has a quick internal debate with herself and reaching a conclusion.

 _I'm putting an end to this tonight._

Then she turns to JJ with a smile that seems almost completely natural.

"Will you set the table?"

"Sure," JJ says and slides down from the counter, oblivious to the life-altering decision that has just been made, the decision to bury their love affair alive.

* * *

 _Later the same evening_

Alex sits on the side of the bed, fully dressed, watching the angelic face of the sleeping JJ. Her heart is broken and yet still pounding in her chest. Her heart… it's remarkable how much alike the words _heart_ and _hurt_ sounds, and they don't even share any common root. It's as if they're made to go together.

 _I love you too, you see. That's why leaving now is the only responsible thing to do. The longer we stay in this dream, the harder it will be for both of us to wake up._

She carefully gets up and tiptoes through the room, only staying in the apartment long enough to scribble down a note that she leaves on the kitchen table. It's nowhere near enough, she knows that, and shame and guilt consumes her for treating her beloved Jennifer this way, but she knows that she couldn't walk away if JJ looks at her with those wonderful blue eyes. Not for any reason, not with any excuse. So this is how it must be done.

She runs her fingertips across the piece of paper, almost tears it apart and throws it away so she can undress and go back to the bed where her heart insists that she belongs, but then she leaves it alone. She has made up her mind and she sticks to her decisions. She puts on her coat and shoes and then slips out into the night and disappears, like a dream that slips away from memory when morning comes.

And she cries all the way home.

* * *

 **A/N**

I'm going to get back to the events unfolding right after this one in the next chapter. So yes, you will get to know JJ's reaction when she wakes up to find Blake gone with just a note left behind.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N**

I know it's been forever, again. The reason is a combination of losing works due to a failing computer (and no backup, DO BACKUPS OFTEN!) and faltering self-confidence when it comes to writing this one. Hopefully I'll be able to keep it up better now, the writing and the confidence alike. If you like it, I'd be really happy if you left a comment and let me know. It's... kind of scary to write and not be sure if readers still like it after the initial chapters.

 **Recap** : the last chapter ended with the way Blake left JJ all those years ago, leaving only a breakup note behind. The events in this chapter take place right after what happened in the last chapter, same evening/night.

Reuploaded because I managed to switch to past tense and had to rewrite it. Wow. Brainpower. *sigh*

* * *

 _DC, April, 2005_

The house she has called a home for twelve years has never looked so unwelcoming. It's almost as if even her home disapproves of her actions lately in general, and tonight in particular.

Alex tells herself to stop; it's just a house and it can't convey either approval _or_ disapproval. Nevertheless, that's how it feels to the ashamed, upset and teary-eyed linguistics professor when she unlocks the door and flees inside. The gloom indoors seems to perfectly mirror her mood, and she doesn't bother turning on the lights as she passes through the hall and up the stairs. Intense self-loathing boils and burns in her chest, gripping at every nerve ending.

It's past three in the morning, she's exhausted, but there's no way she'll be able to sleep now, with or without sleeping pills. She doesn't want to sleep in this bed tonight either way; for the first time in a long time does it feel like James is right here, and it's not a pleasant feeling.

"Oh God, what am I doing?" she whispers.

There is no answer. Certainly not from God, and even her own heart keeps silent, as if it's in shock. Somehow, she'll get through this night too, and the next day, the next night, the rest of her life, but the way she feels right now, she might just as well lay down and die. Surely it would not be a great loss to the world.

* * *

JJ wakes up to a pearl-grey morning light before six a.m. There's nothing odd about that. What _is_ odd is that she's alone in the bed despite going to sleep with company. She reaches out for Alex, but where the other woman had been sleeping when JJ drifted off there are only cold sheets and pillow, telling her the spot has been empty for some time. Not just a quick trip to the bathroom, then.

"Alex?" she says out loud. Alex can sometimes be something of a night owl, staying up longer than JJ at night, but a voluntary early riser, she is not.

"Alex, are you okay?"

There's not a sound, apart from the low hum from the refrigerator. In the quiet of the night – and early mornings, evidently - you can hear it throughout the apartment. Although the silence tells JJ she's alone in the apartment, she still goes to look for her lover, refusing to believe she has snuck out without telling her.

She goes to the kitchen, turns on the lights, and her eyes are drawn to the single sheet of paper on the table. Her initial reaction is a strong urge to crumple it up without reading, then call Alex's cell phone and tell her to get the eff back to bed. Instead she picks it up and reads it, hoping against hope that Alex has just gotten an important phone call and had to leave and didn't want to wake her. She knows that isn't the case. She would have woken up if Alex's phone had been ringing.

It doesn't take long to read the message; it's brief, to the point, and plain cruel, written in an almost printed handwriting that's so very different from the sloppy, slanted way Alex writes on the whiteboard in class.

 _Jennifer,_

 _What happened between us was a mistake and must end here._

 _Please don't contact me._

 _I'm sorry._

 _Alex_

JJ reads it twice, crumples it up in a stiff, white-knuckled hand, only to smooth it out and read it again.

 _No. No, no, no, she can't do this, she can't do this, she can't…_

It isn't until Agatha, still dressed in her outdoor clothing, puts an arm around her and asks "Who can't do what?" that JJ realises she's saying it out loud. Agatha snatches the note from JJ's hand, but JJ holds onto it so hard it tears a little. That doesn't matter. The words are stark and clear, standing out in sharp dark blue ink against the white lined paper.

As Agatha starts to make sense of the meaning, JJ's legs begin to shake and she has to hold onto Agatha's jacket to avoid collapsing.

"She's gone," JJ moans, "She just left," and then an unarticulated sound holding so much simple, unaltered pain escapes her that Agatha feels chilled to her soul. JJ fights the tears bravely but it's just too much; she breaks down crying. Agatha reads the words over again before putting both arms around her friend in an embrace that wants to be soothing but knows it's not enough.

"Oh, Alex Blake I'm going to kill you," she mumbles between her teeth. JJ's tears are hot against her neck, body almost limp in her arms. Agatha has comforted friends from heartache before, but this is worse than anything she has seen. It's like seeing fate being ripped to shreds like delicate fabric.

That note… the relationship was doomed from the start in one way or another, that's pretty self-explanatory, but a breakup like this one is so cold she nearly gets frostbite from reading the note alone, and it isn't something she would have expected from Alex, of all people. Sophisticated, well-articulated, mild-mannered Alex… if it feels like a slap in the face for Agatha, what doesn't it feel like to JJ? Her entire _world_ is ending.

"I should've seen," JJ sobs, "I should've known, she distanced herself from me, why didn't I see it coming?"

Agatha only shakes her head and pulls JJ closer.

* * *

 _Monday morning_

"Morning, Doctor Blake," a chilly voice speaks. Alex looks up from the essays she's grading and finds herself staring into deep blue eyes, every bit as cold as the voice.

"Morning," she says. She doesn't want to, it fully well shows her lack of authority, but she can't help breaking eye contact. There's too much accusation in those eyes. Maybe hate too, if she had thought the perky redhead being able to harbour such hard emotions.

"I noticed you had reassigned your first class today to another professor. Any particular reason?"

"Yes, Agatha," Alex says calmly, relieved to hear that her voice sounds completely in control. Maybe, if you listen very, very carefully, it has a somewhat thick quality, but that can easily be blamed on her allergies. It seems everything can be used for a purpose, or at least an excuse. Good to know. "And I think you know perfectly well what that reason is."

"Yes. I do." Agatha's upper lip curls slightly in a display of – Alex is sure of it – unknowing revulsion. "She thought the world of you. I admit, so did I."

"Well, that's never a wise move," Alex replies, and this time her voice is decidedly scratchy. She clears her throat. "The world is a harsh place."

"You're trying to play this off as if it never meant anything to you. As if Jennifer" – Alex jolts a little at the sound of her name, and Agatha smiles bitterly at the reaction – "was a pastime, a toy to fool around with. In time, she might even be able to convince herself that's all it was. A little joyride on the side for the professor, a little taste of glory for the student. I don't think she will, because she's too smart, but given enough time, she just might. And _you_ … you will probably have a much easier time shrugging it off."

Alex wants to flip her desk over and punch the young woman in the face, but she knows a violent emotional reaction is exactly what Agatha tries to provoke, and forces herself to keep cool. But even as she sits still, her heart pounds in her chest and her fingernails dig into her palms.

"I'm not sure you're to blame, either. After all, it must be annoying watching all those clear-eyed, fresh-skinned students, moving onward and upward, some heading for careers the likes of which you could never _dream_ of pursuing. Maybe part of you just wanted to take them down a notch. A bigger part of you was probably just drawn to how easy it would be to seduce a student; they look up to you, your husband is not around, so, you thought, hey, why not go for it? Or maybe it was the thrill of getting caught that pushed you to it?"

"You will make a very good prosecutor one day, I'm sure," Alex says evenly. "But you're forgetting something here; I'm not on trial."

Agatha leans forward, searching Alex's eyes and then locks them in a stronghold that the older woman can't tear herself away from.

"Actually, you are. Not legally, and not even in the court of public opinion, because if we opened this can of worms publicly, that would ruin Jen, and she is a wreck as it is. But in _my_ eyes? Oh yeah, in my eyes, you are very much on trial."

She straightens again, knowing her point has made it across. Alex notices there's a blonde hair stuck on her shoulder and her heart flutters in her chest like a wounded bird at the image of JJ leaning against that shoulder. Crying. Crying because of what Alex has done.

 _Tell her I'm sorry. Or take me to her and I'll tell her myself. I'll crawl through ashes. I'll bring down the moon. I'll do anything._ I _want to be the shoulder she leans on._

She keeps her mouth shut to keep the words from spilling out, keeps it shut even as her eyes start to sting with tears. Agatha shakes her head at what she sees as a non-reaction.

"You are a cold woman with a heart of ice, and it's disgusting the way you've treated her."

"Are you done, Miss Christie?" Alex asks and picks up the pen again to demonstrate that _she_ is. She can feel the tears starting to burn in the back of her throat and she struggles to keep from swallowing.

"Yeah. Yeah, I am. Goodbye, Doctor Blake. I hope you're proud of yourself."

The final look she gives Alex before walking off is the one that hurts the most. Not because it's angry, but because it's sad.

When Agatha leaves, Alex leans her face into both hands and bursts into tears.

She thinks she might feel better once she has finished crying, but she doesn't. She feels worse, physically sick, even, and decides to abandon the ungraded papers and go home. As she exits the building, she takes out her pack of smokes, puts one poison stick in her mouth and lights it, starting to cough almost immediately.

 _I'm slowly killing myself with these_ , she thinks as she pictures the sticky, black tar enveloping her lungs, coating them one layer at a time and gradually suffocating her.

 _Maybe that's no more than I deserve._

* * *

When Agatha returns after her classes that day, JJ is on the couch, staring blindly at the TV-screen at some mindless cartoon. Untouched ice-cream is melting in a bowl on the table.

"Did you see her?" JJ asks from the depths of blankets and pillows. She's too numb to move; she doesn't even raise her head.

"She had reassigned your class to another professor," Agatha replies, elegantly avoiding answering the question. "So you don't have to worry about meeting her when you're going back to class."

"I don't think linguistics is for me anyway," JJ says apathetically.

"Well," Agatha says, having decided not to let her friend get stuck in the murky waters of despair for too long, "the course in media ethics is still open. And starting next week, this FBI guy will give several guest lectures on serial killers and how to profile them. David Rossi? Heard of him before?"

"No," JJ says, but she sounds somewhat intrigued at least. That's good. Agatha hates hearing that deadness in her voice.

"I'm gonna go listen to his lecture anyway, and I think you should come with me."

JJ groans and wriggles deeper into her soft surrounding wall of cushions and blankets, as if showing that she doesn't plan on going with her roommate _anywhere_. Agatha smirks.

" _Next_ week, Jen. This week, you're home sick."

"I really _feel_ sick, you know," JJ says.

"I know that. Can I pour out your ice-cream soup and get you something else? More substantial, even?"

"Not hungry."

"That's not what I asked."

JJ glares at her friend, wanting to be mad at her the way she is with the entire universe, but Agatha makes it so damn hard. She just… understands, and it's almost impossible to go into any level of childish temper tantrum-mode with that soothing, cool glance regarding her.

"I hate you," JJ says and flips her pillow over before sinking back.

"No, you don't, but if you need to project those feelings onto me, go ahead," Agatha says and takes the bowl. "I'll fix you some cereal with milk. Not exactly real food, but it's better than…" she looks into the ice-cream goo. "I _think_ this is a mashup of cookie-dough ice-cream with chocolate syrup, peanut butter and marshmallows. Wow, Jen. Suicide by sugar. And a slow one, at that."

"Leave me alone," JJ says into the pillow.

"Nope. You've been alone all day while I've been on campus, now I'm back to annoy you."

"Mission accomplished, then." But there is the smallest hint of a smile cracking through the mask of woe, and that's what Agatha wanted to see. JJ begins to sit up. It isn't easy; the amounts of bolsters she has built up around her keeps caving in, but eventually she reaches something reminiscent of an upright position.

"What really makes me mad is that she didn't even have the guts, oh what the hell, the common goddamn _decency_ , to talk to me about it face to face!"

Agatha nods, puts the bowl back on the table and sits down on the couch next to her friend. Here it comes. Shock, denial, and now the anger. She listens while JJ calls Alex the most horrible names, remains motionless when JJ punches the armrest several times, and finally, when the blonde runs out of steam and begins to cry again, pulls her into a hug and holds her. Against her will – she truly is furious with Alex herself – she wonders if the high and mighty professor has someone to go to when _she_ breaks down, because as cold as she acted, she _will_ break. Agatha sincerely doubts it, but… that isn't her problem. Besides, Alex has deserved everything she gets. It's bought and paid for and will be delivered on a silver platter. Nobody can run away from guilt.

* * *

"James, please come home," Alex pleads over the phone that night. "Things are happening, and we need to talk. _I_ need to talk to _you_."

"That sounds serious. Are you pregnant?"

Her jaw slackens.

"No!"

"Then I'm afraid it'll just have to wait, unless it's something we can talk about over the phone. It's not really a good time for me right now."

"It's never a good time anymore, is it?" she murmurs.

"Huh? What did you say? Oh, this damn connection…" he moves away from the phone and says something in either Persian or Arabic; she still isn't quite able to separate those two. Either way, it sounds urgent. Then he's back.

"Look, honey, if it's not a matter of life or death…"

She briefly thinks about her gun, then shoves the thought away with all her might. Not her; come what may, that is _not_ the way she will go out. She forces the pieces of her shattered self back together.

"No. No, don't worry. I'll be fine."

"That's why I love you. You're my tough girl."

Alex licks her dry lips.

"Yeah." _His tough girl_. At least it sounds better than 'cold woman with a heart of ice'… doesn't it?

"Can I call you back sometime tomorrow, or something? I'm kind of busy," he asks, sounding like most of his focus is elsewhere already.

"Oh. Yeah, of course. Of course. Be careful."

"I'm always careful," he chuckles. "Love you honey!"

"I love you too." She isn't sure he hears it; he's already speaking eagerly to someone in Persian- now she's certain that is it - when he's hanging up. But that is okay; she isn't sure she meant it either way. She looks at the phone for a few seconds and then tosses it across the bed. It slides off the edge and hits the floor. She leans back and closes her eyes.

 _Do I have anyone else I can call?_

She starts going through her mental list of associates and realises with rising horror that she doesn't. Friends, yes, some, but all of them too distant to talk emotions with, plus most of them she knows through James. Colleagues. Relatives that she's always more or less at odds with. There's her brother Scott, of course, at least he would never judge her… but Scott always makes her feel guilty for not calling more often, and she just can't deal with that right now.

Instead, she takes an Ambien and stares at the ceiling until she falls asleep. The shadows playing up there take on various forms until they all float together and there is only merciful, dreamless sleep.

The next day, she goes to work as if nothing happened, locking all her emotions up behind thick, strong walls, walls that instead of crumbling with time will only grow stronger.


	16. Chapter 16

**Quick A/N**

I am _so_ sorry it has taken so long. First I had trouble writing it, then my poor beta got swamped with real life stuff. But here it is. I will try my hardest to get this fic moving again. This chapter will probably be the weakest because I had to wrap up the case part in order to move on to the actual romance, I apologise about that, but I promise there will be more good parts ahead. :P

Big fat thanks and delicious brownies to Annber03, for all her help and encouragement! :D :D

* * *

 _Seattle, August 2014_

The station was buzzing with activity when Blake and Rossi returned from the hospital.

"Garcia's stand-in found a place that matches the description of the area Sarah Smith gave us" – Hotch turned to Alex for a moment – "Good job with her, Blake. We have a suspect named Donald Peters, and two possible locations. His home and workplace. Rossi, I want you, Blake and JJ to check his home, and Reid and I will check the workplace."

Alex felt sweet relief that she had contributed to this, mixed with the mounting anticipation and unease that always came when it was time to make an arrest. She didn't want to admit that she still got worried about making mistakes that could jeopardise the case, but yes, there it was. The ghost of Amerithrax, still haunting her.

 _Not now_ , she told her nerves as they were trying to run away with her like a half-tamed horse. Rossi, seemingly reading her mind but more likely just noticing the worried look on her face, said:

"It's another case, you're not in charge, and you know what to do. Breathe."

She gave him a thankful smile, although she wasn't sure she'd be able to breathe until this was over.

They went to get ready.

JJ was just finished putting on her Kevlar vest. She didn't seem to battle any nerves at all; her demeanour was determined, calm, and very competent. It was then that Alex truly saw JJ as the professional that she was, a strong woman who protected, and not a young college girl in need of protection.

 _But isn't it time you stop lying to yourself, Alex? You never protected her. It was yourself you tried to protect all along, sacrificing everyone else in the process. Just like Erin Strauss did. And as much as that hurt you, it was only professionally. What you did to Jennie was worse than that. Stop running away from your responsibility. You created the mess, you fix it._

"Alex?" JJ said. "You okay?"

"Yeah. Sure. Do you a hair tie I can borrow?"

JJ put her hand into her pocket and pulled one out and handed it over. It was a flashy neon green.

"Great colour, goes with everything," Alex joked as she tied back her hair. JJ smiled.

"Makes you easier to spot, if nothing else."

"I don't plan on disappearing," Alex replied, and this time she sounded serious.

"Good. I was never a fan of your disappearing act," JJ said, then reached out and adjusted Alex's vest for her. Had anyone else done that, she would have felt offended. When JJ did it, at least on this specific occasion, it made her feel like she was worth caring about.

"Thanks," she murmured.

"Sorry," JJ said. "I know you probably have even more experience with Kevlar than I do. It's just that fixing others' clothing becomes a force of habit when you have kids. I constantly have to restrain myself to keep from straightening Reid's tie."

"Well, you don't need to be a mom to want to do that," Alex replied as she checked her gun – that too was a force of habit, even when she knew it was loaded and secured – then holstered it again.

"Thank you both," Reid said behind them. "And for the record, Alex _does_ straighten my tie every time I'm going in on a guest lecture with her. I've already profiled her with light OCD."

"Wait, I thought Hotch said we're not supposed to profile each other?" Alex objected. Reid shrugged.

"You weren't on the team then."

JJ had to bite her lip to keep the smile from becoming a wide grin. When Alex looked at her, they accidentally locked eyes and both had to look away to avoid laughing. It wasn't the right time or place for laughter and banter… yet for a moment, they both felt like Alex's bailout and the ten years that followed had never happened. For a moment, they felt like they were lovers and soulmates again, and both welcomed that feeling with a fervour that surprised them.

* * *

After an unpleasant ride on a bumpy forest road, they reached the cabin. The first thing that caught Blake's attention was the canoe, put up on blocks just like Sarah had said. A rush of adrenaline went through her body when she realised that yes, this was the place. Now they just had to wrap it up without any mistakes, and then, perhaps, she would finally be able to sit down and talk to JJ.

As if the thought drew her, JJ turned in her direction. They looked each other in the eyes again, only not creating a need to laugh this time. JJ's eyes asked her if she would be alright. Alex gave a slight nod.

"Ready?" Rossi said.

"Yeah," they replied in perfect unison, and stepped out of the SUV with weapons drawn. Rossi lead the way, rapping on the door.

"Donald Peters! FBI!"

There was no response, but a shuffling sound and muted noises – a TV, Alex thought – could be heard from inside. Rossi nodded to one of the local policemen, a big burly man, who stepped up and kicked in the thick wooden door as if it had been made of cardboard. The agents stepped over the threshold and split up. The cabin was small, but with several rooms, the worst layout possible for a task like this.

The room Alex walked into was a very small living room. The TV was on at Nickelodeon, and a little girl, about six years old, was seated in the sofa. She stared at Alex with enormous blue eyes, seemingly too shocked to even scream.

Alex hurried to put her gun back in the holster and hold out her empty hands to show she wasn't dangerous.

"Hi, my name's Alex. What's your name?"

"Julia. Are you the police?"

Explaining what the FBI was to a shocked child seemed impossible, so Alex settled for a simple yes.

"Are you going to put me in jail?" she asked, those large eyes filling up with tears. Alex moved so she could sit down next to her. She could hear Rossi making the arrest in the other room, which was reassuring. Suspect apprehended, no shots fired.

"No. Little girls don't go to jail."

"But you're going to put my dad in jail, aren't you?"

"Why do you say that?"

"Because he did bad things to those ladies. Very bad things."

"What ladies?"

"The ones in the basement. It's scary down there."

"Julia, were you with your dad when he took those ladies here?"

"Yes. He said if I helped him, he would try to find my mom again."

Alex thought about the decomposed body in the plastic wrapping, the one with the wedding band, and assumed that this child would never see her mom again.

"I didn't want to help him," Julia whispered. "He made the ladies scream. But I want my mom so much, and he's the only one who knows where he is."

"Your dad isn't going to hurt those ladies again, I promise," Alex said,

"My mom is dead, isn't she?" Julia asked.

"I don't know, Julia, and that's the truth."

The little girl let out a watery sigh, a prelude to a sob.

 _I'm so bad with children_. _It should be JJ in here._

Alex put a hesitant arm around her to offer what comfort she could.

"Did your dad ever hurt you?" she asked, keeping her voice as gentle as possible.

"No," Julia sobbed.

 _Thank God._

The relief made her hug Julia a little tighter.

A member of the local police force came into the room and walked straight over to them. She had a kind face, and when she smiled Julia actually smiled back, despite the tears that still rolled down her cheeks.

"Hi Julia, I'm Sophia. Your dad said you were in here. I'm going to look after you today. Is there anything you want to take with you? Toys or books or something?"

Julia nodded, slid right out of Alex's arms and down from the sofa. Alex, to her own surprise, felt a bit sad to let her go. She slowly stood up, turned off the TV, and left the room, unaware that the seemingly smooth arrest was about to get messy.

* * *

Rossi and three policemen were checking the basement, and Alex went outside, mostly because the cramped space was starting to make her feel a bit claustrophobic. JJ was leading the suspect towards the patrol car, and Alex was close enough to hear him speaking to JJ.

"You know, you look a lot like my wife. She said she was going to leave me and take my kid away. You know what I did to her?"

JJ didn't answer. Alex admired that. It was according to the book of course, but it was surprisingly difficult to resist sometimes.

"I beat her to death with my bare hands," he said, and he sounded proud of this. "I did slip her a Valium first to make sure she couldn't fight back or run, I regret that part. I don't think it hurt anywhere near as much as it would have if she had been sober. It felt so good to see her bleed, though. That fucking bitch. But you're all the same, you women. Think you're so entitled, the moment a man shows you your place, you whine about being a victim, overlooking nature's order. A woman's place is in the home, and it's a man's duty to keep them in line."

JJ made no comment, and perhaps it was the constant talking that lured her into believing he was properly subdued, but she didn't notice what was about to happen. Alex did, but was too far away to stop it.

All of a sudden, he jerked his elbow back in a violent upwards motion, hitting JJ right in the face. She staggered back a step, instinctively getting her hands up as blood began to gush. Alex ran the few steps, grabbed the man by the upper arm, and, acting only on rage-fuelled impulse, punched him in solar plexus. He doubled over with a wheezing groan, but then he chuckled, still bent over.

"Oh yeah, that must've felt good to get out, agent. We all have it in us, that desire to hurt others."

"No," Alex said. "I have no desire to hurt others. Just you. You'd better hope that little spasm of yours didn't cause any serious damage."

She shoved him into the car and slammed the door shut, in a very un-Alex Blake manner, then had to take a second to calm herself down. It was not good at all if she lost her temper like that. The last thing she needed right now was to get in trouble with Internal Affairs. But she did have an obligation to stop him if he attacked an agent. Alex could only hope she was in the clear on this one.

She looked around for JJ and saw her seated on the front step of the cabin, with her head leaned back. There was blood all over her face and some on the front of her vest.

"Are you alright?" Alex asked.

"Yeah. I didn't see it coming. Stupid."

"Do you want me to take you to the hospital?"

"No, it's just a nosebleed, it's nothing. I'm fine, hon-Alex." JJ caught herself at the last moment, and Alex decided to pretend she didn't notice JJ's little slipup.

"Let me have a look."

She expected JJ to protest, but she only took her hands away and let Alex inspect her face.

"Your lips are swollen, did he hit your mouth too?"

"Maybe. I don't know, it happened so fast."

"Well, it doesn't look like anything is broken, so that's good. Wait here, I'll see if I can find some ice."

"I'm _fine_ , Alex," JJ insisted.

"I heard you the first time," Alex said. "I'm still going to see if I can find some ice."

There was no ice, but there was an unopened bag of peas in the freezer, and Alex took it out and gave it to JJ. The younger woman pressed it against her face, which was starting to swell up and bruise, looking like she wasn't so fine after all.

"Thank you," she said. "I think it stopped bleeding, at least."

"Good," Alex said.

"Damnit, it was such a rookie mistake to miss that move," JJ berated herself.

"If it's of any consolation, I probably would have missed it too."

"How is the kid?" JJ asked, abruptly switching the subject. Alex considered lying, but only briefly.

"She is damaged. Not as much as she could have been, but… yes. Growing up under these circumstances…" Alex didn't finish the sentence.

"Any signs that he abused her?"

"No. I don't think he laid a hand on her."

"He told us that he was going to. But that he was 'saving her' until she was eighteen."

"How considerate," Alex growled, and wondered, not for the first time, why she was still in a field of work where she had to hear things like this.

"And that was also his motive. He wanted to find a substitute for the mother until the daughter turned eighteen." JJ shook her head slowly. "He abducted three to see which one he preferred. He had decided to keep Cindy, and was going to kill Sarah. That's when she managed to escape."

Alex nodded. The last pieces of the incomplete profile started to fall into place.

"What about the rouse?"

"He did indeed use his kid as bait. Waited until he saw a girl he liked go inside, dropped off Julia at the playground, then went to the drive-through."

Alex nearly facepalmed. The drive-through, of course.

"And when the girl came out, Julia pretended to be hurt and look for her daddy. The victim went to help her, and then…"

"… then daddy showed up," Alex filled in for her. "He told you all this willingly?"

"It was a bit more than that. He bragged about it, Alex. He had no qualms about confessing, he wants people to know all the details. He wasn't going to turn himself in unless he got caught, but now that he is, he wants everything to get out. This isn't a usual case in any way. Normally we have a pretty good profile ready and that's how we find the unsub, hell, that's the whole point of the BAU! But this time it feels like we do the profile in retrospect."

She had lowered the bag of peas while she spoke, and now picked it up and pressed it against her swollen face again.

"Would you mind finding me some Kleenex or wet wipes or something so I can clean off all this blood? I don't want the others to see me like this."

"Sure." She got up. "JJ? Another thing?"

"Yes?"

"Can we have dinner together tonight? Just the two of us?"

JJ smiled. Even through the streaks of blood on her face, that smile made Alex's heart flutter.

"I was hoping you'd say that."


End file.
